So...I have recently gotten back together with my "ex"...Rick. Or should I say, the Love of My Life. I know a lot of your reactions to this news (if you haven't heard already) is "HUH?!" and I have to say, yea. I understand your reaction. I also understand why you would want to talk me out of it. So, even though I believe that this blog is completely ridiculous....that I shouldn't HAVE to explain myself to ANYONE because I am a grown adult and am perfectly capable of making my own freaking decisions....I decided I would just lay it all out on the table and explain my decisions to those of you who find it disturbing that Rick and I are back together. I'm frankly tired of the questions....I'm tired of the lectures. To those of you who have been supportive, and genuinely HAPPY for me, I say a loud THANK YOU! This blog is simply meant for YOUR entertainment. Anyway, here goes nothing:
Let's start with the night I left him, shall we?
First of all, you should know that my leaving him came out of left field for him. He did not see it coming at all. That was my fault for making him believe that everything was perfectly fine with us. For making him believe that he had NO reason to think that I would ever leave him. Literally, a day before I left, we were hanging up pictures and figuring out where things were going to go and I believe we were even planning a housewarming party for our new apartment. A long over-due housewarming party...but it was still a party. He was happy....and I acted happy. So, you have to take that fact into consideration.
Second of all, Rick was never this out of line before. We never fought, really. I mean, sure we argued. We disagreed. But RARELY did we scream at each other. RARELY did we say things to each other we would regret later. When we would "fight", it was over little things, it didn't happen too often, and when it did, it was over in five minutes....or a few hours. But we never went to bed angry and we always made an effort to solve whatever it was we were upset about.
Notice in the above paragraph I clearly said "made an effort". I say that because had we successfully fixed the little issues, had we completely resolved them, I wouldn't be writing this blog right now because I would have never left.
About a week before I decided to leave, and you can go back and read my previous blogs through April and May and June too, you may notice that I wrote a "bucket list". I made a list of 100 things I wanted to do before I died. Now, you would think that when you made a list such as that, your significant other would be happy for you. They would support you, and they would say stuff along the lines of "I hope we can do those things together one day" right? Well, Rick's reaction was not that. He kind of rolled his eyes at a few of those things on the list and said stuff like "Alright babe, good luck with all that" but in a sarcastic tone. As if I would never accomplish those things. That scared me a bit, for two reasons. One, because I thought he would be supportive and it scared me that he wasn't, and second, because it was a big wake-up call for me. See, Rick and I had plans to marry. And when I realized that I wanted to do all these things, and I wanted him beside me to do them, but he may not be there/I wouldn't get to, it scared the crap out of me. I realized that maybe being in that serious of a relationship was too much for me at that time. There were still things I wanted to do with my life, and if he wasn't there to support me, I guess I would have to do them alone. Yea, that was a scary thought because I loved him so much! I WANTED him there.
Another reason I left was he was putting me second. We were both very depressed; we didn't have a lot of money and both of our paychecks went entirely to bills. There was NO extra, and when there was, I spent it. Shame on me, I know. But we never used the extra money to go out with each other because he was always letting what was on TV or his Mafia Wars take the place of OUR time together. He rarely sat with me on the couch. When we were at home together, we were strangers. He would sit at the chair behind me (while I was on the couch) or, out on the patio, smoking his cigarette, drinking his beer, and playing on his computer. He NEVER left his computer. EVER! So, yea, I began to feel unimportant to him. I began to feel like I came second. That our time together wasn't special to him. And I was angry.
I'm not blaming it all on him. By any means. I had my demons too. I was depressed as well, and I wasn't really happy with myself either. The point is, neither one of us was happy with ourselves, therefore it was impossible to make each other happy.
So when I finally decided to leave, it was because I wanted to go and make myself happy. I had every intention of getting back together with him, but I wanted to make sure that I was 100% happy with myself first. I made an attempt to leave twice.
The first time, it just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks one day that leaving was the only way out. That leaving was the only way to make him see that he needed to treat me better. That yea, I was in fact, LEAVING. And it HURT! You see, Rick was the first and only guy I had every LIVED with. Sure, I had spent an ungodly amount of time at my exes homes before. But NEVER had I ever shared bills and had a place of our own together. I had never spent literally EVERY night with anyone before, AND I had never been together with someone for two straight on-going years. Two straight WONDERFUL years. So yea, this wasn't just breaking up with someone. This was picking up my life as I knew it right then and changing everything. I wouldn't just be going down the block, I would be leaving the state and going back to NC. I wouldn't just be breaking up with HIM, I would be leaving the job I loved SO much, the job that I had FINALLY found absolute happiness with. Everything was changing for me.
When I had come to the conclusion, I wanted out as fast as I could and I didn't really want to have to confront him about it. I wanted to just leave. I called my mother over to help me pack. She came over, but she brought my niece and the first words out of her mouth was "Where's Uncle Rick?" Well, that right there tore me to pieces. Instead of packing, my mother just talked to me. We talked about a lot of things, a lot of which I can't remember now. But mostly, we talked about how I just needed to be 100% sure that this is what I wanted to do.
When she left, she left a lot of boxes for me to pack by myself. But I couldn't do it. I could NOT make myself pack my stuff. I kept stopping and staring at the wall. If this was something I really wanted to do, it shouldn't have been that hard, right?
So, I stopped packing and just lay on the couch for the rest of the day until he got home from work. I wasn't do anything except bawling my eyes out. I had been for a long time that day. He came home, and found me and tried to comfort me, but he thought I was crying over something else. He had NO idea what was going through my head. So when I finally just blurted it out, after beating around the bush for a while, and getting frustrated because he wasn't understanding what I was saying, I could see the devastation in his face. THAT was devastating for me in itself and only made me more upset.
Rick then began to throw stuff. Nothing of value, and nothing breakable; things like paper, pillows, clothes, etc.... He was just taking out his frustrations on THINGS. He took my keys at one point: I was notorious for just leaving and not telling him where I was going....just wanting to leave and drive around for a bit to clear my head, then come back when I felt better. And before, it would have been fine. But this time, the words "I'm leaving" came out of my mouth, so when he saw me with my keys, he freaked and took them from me. After hours and hours of trying to find them, and screaming at each other, both of us upset, both of us crying, I finally talked him into just giving me my keys. That I would be right back, I just wanted to clear my head. He very reluctantly gave them back.
I went for a very very short drive. I made it about 15 minutes down the road, when I got sick. VERY sick. I thought maybe it was because I hadn't eaten anything after stressing all day, so I stopped at a Burger King. I ate in the parking lot, and after I ate, I just sat there for a very long time. I thought about a lot of things, and then I began to feel even more sick. So I started back home.
Now, before I go any further, here is a side note. Stress is NOT good for any one's nerves or stomach, especially mine. I am one of those people who literally gets SICK if something crucial is happening in my life, sometimes even when it's a good thing. Second of all, I get car sick, especially when I'm in traffic. (I think the traffic has to do with claustrophobia) So, keep in mind, it's June. It's HOT outside, even at night. I'm on a VERY busy highway in Kissimmee, FL, about 5 minutes away from Walt Disney World. So, on top of me being stressed out because of things happening in MY life, I now have to deal with the heat, and the TRAFFIC! So, I'm nauseated because of HEAT, TRAFFIC, MOTION SICKNESS, AND MY PERSONAL LIFE. I felt like the trip home was HOURS long, even though it was about 10-15 minutes.
I couldn't get into that apartment fast enough. Plus, we lived on the second story too. So there was stair-climbing involved. I got into that apartment at about 10pm; Rick was already in bed; I'm sure he had been crying and was super upset because he NEVER went to bed that early. I went straight to the bathroom and began getting sick. Well, actually I think I was just dry-heaving which is even worse. Did I mention before that when I stopped at Burger King, I didn't finish my meal? Yea, I was so upset I couldn't eat. Rick knows how my stomach is, and he knew that I was upset. So he came in the bathroom, gave me a cold, wet cloth and took me to bed. He put a trash can by the bed and laid with me until I fell asleep. I have to say, that meant a lot. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I meant something to him.
The question of whether or not we loved each other was never applicable. We loved each other to the moon and back. We adored each other. That feeling has never gone away. But somewhere along the line, we lost sight of that. We got our priorities all mixed up, and we started to distance ourselves from one another. Sad, but true.
The next day, we talked a lot. I made him a list of things that I needed him to do for me. I asked him for a list of things he needed from me, and he refused to make one because he insisted there was NOTHING I wasn't doing already. Which, I know has to be bulls*** because I am FAR from perfect. But, he never gave me one. The next week was wonderful, on the surface. For me, inside, I was already gone. I had already made up my mind that I was leaving and there was really nothing he could do to change my mind. But I wanted to at least make an effort to try.
At the end of the week, on Friday, we went to Hollywood Studios in Walt Disney World. We had a good time (for the most part). It was VERY hot outside, and we didn't have a lot of money (we went on his free passes) so we couldn't really eat all that much. The food we did eat, well, it wasn't the best. The place we ate at, well, it was crowded. We were both extremely grumpy. By 2:00, I had had enough and I had definitely made up my mind about him. We left and I didn't speak to him all the way home.
When we got home, I had cooled off a bit. I asked him to come to the pool with me so that maybe we could cool off and relax. To my surprise, he agreed. (The pool at our apartment complex was BEAUTIFUL! It was AMAZING! I had been a few times, and every time I had asked him before, he never came. So yea, I was super surprised he had agreed this time). When we got there, it was like we had never been grumpy. I laid on my back in the pool with his hands balancing me and it was an amazing feeling. That moment was the most relaxed I think I had ever been in the entire two years. I felt safe. I felt free. I felt like he was holding me up, like he was proud of me, but in a loving way. I felt like I could do anything and be anyone. That is until the annoying girl came up.
She literally stood about 2 inches from my face. I acted like I was sleeping, which I almost had been, until she ruined it. We slowly tried to float away from her, but she followed. She talked about her DRAMA...which, let's face it, we didn't need ANY of at that point. So, I had had enough of her and I swam away. He finally got away from her and came over to me. That lasted all of five minutes and she was back again. So, we just got our stuff and left. I have to say, it was very disappointing.
When we got back to the apartment, he got right back on his computer and we were separated again. That did it for me. I was done.
The next day, I told him I was leaving again. My plan was to go to work, go back to my mothers house the next day, and then when he was at work, come back and pack everything and leave. But I couldn't go to work, I was so upset. When he came home, we had the same fight as before, only this time it was worse. He began packing my things for me and throwing them out into the hallway. He said the worst, most hurtful things to me, which only made me cry harder. I called my mom and sister and I was so hysterical I could barely speak. So, mom called my dad and dad called me (he was about 24 hours away, in New York on vacation at the time) and when I was speaking to him, I was crying so hard I could barely talk. Of course, this scared him, and it frustrated him because he couldn't do anything about it except try to calm me down.
I finally got most of my clothes and my necessities, but I couldn't get everything, for lack of space in my car. I left, and went straight to my mom's house about an hour away. All I wanted to do was sleep. I just wanted to lay my head down and sleep. Crying makes you tired by itself....when you're screaming, fighting, throwing things, hitting things, AND crying like a BABY...you know the SCREAMING cry, you're damn near EXHAUSTED. I called my work and told them the situation. They were understanding (thank god) and they told me not to worry about a thing, they would take care of covering me and all that. (See why I loved my job?)
The next day, I waited until he was at work, and I brought my mother and a couple friends with me to pack up the rest of my things. It took three cars, but we managed to get everything packed, even when it began POURING down rain in the middle of it. That was on Saturday. On Sunday, Rick called me and just wanted to talk. So we did. And it was a GREAT talk. We were on the phone for hours. He was calm, I was calm, we were listening to each other and we were understanding. It was agreed that we would keep in touch when I went back home, and that we had every intention of getting back together.
The next day, I went over to say my goodbyes. I know that was probably not the smartest thing to do because it just made us cry more. But I couldn't just leave the love of my life on a bad note like that. I couldn't leave my FAMILY of two years, my BEST FRIEND like that. I wanted him to know that I did love him, and I wanted to just be happy. That was all I wanted. That goodbye was probably the hardest goodbye ever!
During this time, I talked to all my friends and family for advice. The one thing I was worried about the most was regret and of "what if". The person I NEVER listen to, but who I love DEARLY, and listened to this time, was my favorite Aunt Taffy who said something that I will never forget. She said that no matter what I do, I will always wonder about the other option. I can't be worried about the "what ifs". She told me that I needed to stay because I couldn't live without him...not because he's a great person. If I couldn't say that I couldn't live without him, then I should probably leave. And at that point, the only thing I wanted to do was BE ALONE! I hadn't been by myself, and done my OWN thing in 5 years! And I was only 21....
The whole ride home was bittersweet. I cried, I laughed, I sang, I danced, I cried some more. But I also did a lot of thinking. I was ready to be back home with my family. I got to hit "re start" and it felt GREAT. I had a lot of things to look forward to! I was determined to make myself happy! The last time I had done this, you know, moved my life 800+ miles away, I only had three goals: To work at Disney World; to experience living on my own; and to be with the love of my life. All three had happened. One wasn't finished....
It's been five months since I left Rick. I have to say that these five months have been a BLAST. I have had a lot of laughs, I have met new people, and bonded with old friends. I have gone out on dates, I have had a couple "flings". I have been slightly heartbroken...(I mean, let's face it, I don't think I will ever be as heartbroken as I was when I left Rick....this heartbreak I speak of was just a little prick). I have learned very valuable lessons: one of which is that (and I mention this one a lotttttt) when you put someone on a pedestal and expect them to do no wrong, it's THEN that they will let you down. It's the people you never think will hurt you who hurt you the most. And to that person, I say "Thank you. We will always be friends NO MATTER what and I love YOU dearly!" I'm thankful that I was given the opportunity to be with other people, to date, because it made me realize how much I LOVE Rick. That NO one compares to him. I could be with the most PERFECT people. People who, on paper, make complete sense. Who, if it HAD worked out, we would be the picture perfect couple and would live happily ever after...but they wouldn't be RICK. They wouldn't be that man who stole my heart from the beginning, and who loves me more than life itself. That is a HORRIBLE match for me (according to paper, and astrology) but who KNOWS me inside and out, back-erds and FAR-werds, ha ha, upside down and right side up.
A couple weeks ago, I made a trip to Orlando. I wanted to get away from here, (NC), but I wanted to use my discount I got at work: $39 a night for a two bedroom SUITE on International Drive? HEEEEY!!! Well, Rick and I ended up hanging out the entire time. I have to say, it was amazing. We did nothing but talk to each other...about EVERYTHING. And I mean EVERYTHING. We rekindled our relationship, and it was then that we realized we didn't want to spend another second apart. We are both happy with ourselves now. He is back in his niche, working for the company he loves, Chili's; doing what he LOVES, and even though he's not making six-digits a year, and is struggling with bills somewhat, he is happy. It's sad to say, but I guess it's the way it is, that it took THIS...you know, me leaving, for him to realize, for US to realize what we had.
I have no doubt that Rick and I will continue to have our differences. That's what makes us US. There are things about our relationship that we can't change, no matter how hard we try. There are things about him that annoy me, and there are things about me that annoy him. But neither one of us are going to change. And that's okay. As long as we stay focused on fixing our issues, and just put each other FIRST. Do things TOGETHER instead of separate. Spend time with EACH other instead of by ourselves all the time, things will be better. They won't be perfect...they will NEVER be perfect. But they will be better. All I have to say, is that since I came home from my trip, yea I've had my doubts. I've had my fears that things won't get better. But at the same time, I have NOT been able to stop thinking about him.
One thing that kind of made up my mind:
The person I mentioned in a couple previous paragraphs before, you know, the person who hurt me...well, the other night, we had a long conversation about things. We recognized that we wanted the SAME things. We also recognized that we just can't make it work, even though if we did, it would be a good thing. But for some reason, we just can't. He said a couple things that kinda changed my mind about him....so when I left him that night, and for most of the nights following, I have tried to picture him in my life, past the honeymoon stage. And I couldn't do it. It was fuzzy for me. The more I thought about DATING him, the less appealing it was. And I realized it was because this whole time, it was the CHASE I was in love with. The THRILL. The EXCITEMENT. The fact that this was the first time in 2 years I was able to chase someone again. But it was only skin deep. Sad? Yep. But also, relieving.
So in closing, I have finally found some peace in my life. I have finally found some COMMON ground in my life. No longer do I have to go through the "unrequited" love thing (which...UGH....WORST feeling EVERRRRRR!) Why go through that when there is someone standing right in front of me who loves me with all of his heart, and it's MUTUAL?!
SO...does this answer any of your questions? I hope so. My hands are tired, and I'm done explaining!
Over and OUT!
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