Dear Daddy

He used to be the man I wanted to marry one day. Then he became the man who I looked up to, the person I aspired to be. Soon, he became the man I adored and who I thought hung the moon. He was the strong one. The one that held me as a child, and still called me his little girl as an adult.

But suddenly, that man changed. He became unrecognizable.  The "I love you's" I heard daily started coming less and less often.  The hugs I received all the time happened more rarely that I ever dreamed they would, and the "I'm proud of you's" completely deceased. He was supposed to be the man I knew would NEVER let me down. The one man in the world who I knew I could ALWAYS count on.  The ONE man in the world who loved me UNCONDITIONALLY.  In my head, I know he does, but my heart is a little more skeptical. 

The one time in my life that I need him most is the one time in my life that he disappears.  I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally.  Perhaps it's because I don't talk to him.  We have never really had the "talking" kind of relationship, EVER. When we do talk, it does nothing.  It never has.  He doesn't listen to me, and I fear he never will. 

No wonder I attach myself to the men who hurt me, and pull away from the ones who want to "take care of me".  The one man who said he always would (and who has, materialistically, but has failed horribly in other areas, you know, the areas that matter) let me down. 

I thought that a parent's number one priority in life was to see their children happy.  Didn't matter what they did to MAKE themselves happy, as long as it wasn't illegal of course, but as long as they were HAPPY....I thought that's all that mattered.  I thought that their job was to help them, help them in any way they needed.  Sure, teach them right from wrong.  Show a little tough love every now and then.  But when their children NEEDED love at one of the most confusing times of their life, I thought that as a parent, that would be the one thing they would be most willing to give.  I guess I was wrong....

You would think with the way my parents are acting that I was into some hard drugs or something like that.....but no. I'm just happy. Or I was. I finally had some clarity and contentment in my life. But not anymore.....and it is ashame....

So, to my Daddy....
 I'm sorry I'm not as successful as you want me to be.  I'm sorry that I have somehow disappointed you by being excessively happy.  I'm sorry that I don't do things EXACTLY right, and that by being in your house, the house I used to call mine, I have become a burden to you.  I'm sorry.