The past week has been a total emotional roller coaster for me. I have endured one of the scariest experiences of my entire life, while experiencing the BEST thing to EVER happen to me all at the same time: giving birth to my daughter, Lexi via unexpected c-section. I haven't had a lot of time to talk to anyone about it, or a lot of access to do so either until now. I decided to fill everyone in on how things went and how things have been this past week.
As most of you know, the last few weeks of my pregnancy were MISERABLE. The only thing I wanted was for my baby to come OUT of me. So last Wednesday, at my 40 week Dr. appointment, I asked about induction. They put me on a stress test for the baby and it took a WHILE for her to move. They also had a feeling that I was developing gestational diabetes because from the last ultrasound we had, baby girl had what looked like a "pot belly". The doctor I was seeing that day (as my Dr I usually saw wasn't there, as usual...ugh. Different story, different day) didn't want to at first. He didn't really give me a clear reason why, just that "it wouldn't be good". I wasn't dilated at all, so maybe he meant that it would just take a long time...I'm not too sure. But nevertheless, he made a phone call to the hospital and I got my wish: I would be delivering 3 hours from then! I was SO excited! So I went home, got changed, ate my last meal for the next couple days (turkey sandwich and ice cream sandwich), packed and we all went straight to the hospital.
They hooked me up to the machines and got everything started. They gave me Pitocin to start the contractions right away. And boy, did they START. Wow. We were told that it would probably be the next evening before anything SIGNIFICANT would happen, so we just kinda chilled in the hospital that night. My diet of ice and Popsicles had started. They gave morphine for the pain and to help me sleep a bit. They said that if I hadn't dilated to more than 4 cm the next morning, I could eat some breakfast. So, sure enough, the next morning, they checked me and NOTHING. I got to eat the hospitals DELICIOUS french toast....(sarcasm), but soon after that, the contractions got heavier and heavier. I was in "labor" for a good 8 hours, even though it wasn't "Active Labor" since I wasn't dilated more than 4 cm. The baby was stuck, and she was turned face up. At around 4 or 5, or later...I don't really remember much about all this...they gave me my first epidural. Well, a couple hours later, I was STILL feeling EVERYTHING and I hadn't dilated anymore either. So, more morphine and another epi should do it. Right? Nope. The Dr came in and said that if nothing had happened by 8:15, then they would have to do a c-section.
Well of course that made me super nervous and petrified, but I hadn't made a specific birth plan for that reason. I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment. My goal was to get baby girl out safely. So, I agreed to it. My mother was more of a nervous wreck though. Totally understandable. This entire experience had turned out to be nothing like what I had pictured...but then again, nothing ever is.
So sure enough, 8:15 rolled around, the pain had gotten so unbearable I was screaming and crying hysterically. C-Section it is. They rolled me in the room...and by this time I'm in so much pain, I don't remember much. I remember being half asleep when they rolled me in there, either that or just so drugged out I didn't care what they did to me as long as they got my baby out safely. I remember music playing in the operating room and them telling Rick he had to wait outside until they had prepared me. They wanted me to help them help me from the hospital bed to the operating table. HAH! Yea right! But I had no choice, I had to help them out a little. That wasn't fun. See, most of my labor pain was coming from my back. Yea, NOT fun!
The next thing I know, they are draping that sheet in front of me. I can't see anyone in front of me or to my sides, and I'm freaking OUT! All I hear are people talking and laughing, as if this happens everyday (haha...I know, it does. but to me, at that moment, it didn't!) I don't remember them calling Rick in, but apparently they did because he was holding my hand through the "Cecelia can you feel this?" part and the part that I freaked out so much because I COULD feel it, yet they were giving me med after med after med. WHY WASN'T ANYTHING WORKING??? They were getting ready to cut, and then I started screaming and crying so much out of fear that I would feel something that they had to put me completely under. I regret that so much. The fact that I wasn't "there" for the birth of my baby girl. The fact that I don't remember ANYTHING. I don't remember the doctors name. I don't remember some of the nurses names. I have NO idea who that nice lady I have a picture of who cleaned off my baby is. I don't know ANYTHING about the grandparents getting to see her through the nursery. I don't remember anything about anything. It is so sad.
But the only thing I remember the most about...it and NOTHING else at all...not even 5 mins after...(and most of you would say it's the most important anyway) is when I got to see and hold my baby girl for the very first time. I don't know if anything else could ever top that feeling of "love at first sight". They were right; my heart is full now. My life is complete.
The next 3 days in the hospital were okay. We learned a lot about how to take care of her...but they were also pretty miserable. Between the meds and the pain, the noise and disturbances...the uncomfort of my bed and not being able to sleep WITH Rick....yea, it was torture. Although, New Years Eve was magical. Even though we had to spend it in the hospital, I believe it was the best New Years Eve ever. They had the Celebration Dinner that day, which is what they give every new family, and ours just happened to be on NYE. Then, a little before midnight, we snuggled up together in my very small, very uncomfortable hospital bed as a family and watched the ball drop =) Rick and I counted very softly to our baby girl and welcomed in the new year...then kissed HER before we kissed each other. After all, SHE is our life now. She is the BEST thing that ever happened to us.
Rick did have to go back to our house in Lake Helen for the next few days after we brought Lexi home (Nana's being "home") to work a bit while I stayed and recovered with all the help from my mom and sister I could get. My best friend, Julianna and her mom came down from NC as well to visit for a day. Having all the help was nice, but I missed Rick more than anything. My feelings for him became that of when we FIRST started dating long distance. How I couldn't wait to see him face to face. That's exactly how I felt. Last night, he came to mom's house to sleep over so we could go to Lexi's first Dr. appt and then he would bring us home. That really did help things a lot...last night getting to sleep with him for the first time in WEEKS (since I was staying with my mom for a little while before I went into labor, since she lived an hour closer to the hospital than we did...yea, long story) was the best feeling ever. I felt safe and protected and loved again. But it was also kind of a weird feeling, haha...like it was the VERY first time. I hadn't been able to CUDDLE with him for a LONG time. More than just a couple weeks, since my huge belly had been in the way. So yea, last night was magical.
Then today, oh wow. Today I was just super emotional. Crying over everything. And not knowing why. I don't think it's PPD. I think it's the fact I'm absolutely EXHAUSTED, my nerves are shot, and I'm just an emotional post prego woman. The night before last, the trauma of the C-section and the fact that my huge sagging belly along with having those disgusting looking stretch marks EVERYWHERE and swollen feet, hands and face, and the fact that I missed my other half and the father of my child SO much caught up with me. I was a wreck. I don't expect these emotions to go away anytime soon, but I do hope they let up a little. I would like to go one day without crying over something STUPID. But I think since our family is together at OUR house, things will be much better. Please pray they are!
