He used to be the man I wanted to marry one day. Then he became the man who I looked up to, the person I aspired to be. Soon, he became the man I adored and who I thought hung the moon. He was the strong one. The one that held me as a child, and still called me his little girl as an adult.
But suddenly, that man changed. He became unrecognizable. The "I love you's" I heard daily started coming less and less often. The hugs I received all the time happened more rarely that I ever dreamed they would, and the "I'm proud of you's" completely deceased. He was supposed to be the man I knew would NEVER let me down. The one man in the world who I knew I could ALWAYS count on. The ONE man in the world who loved me UNCONDITIONALLY. In my head, I know he does, but my heart is a little more skeptical.
The one time in my life that I need him most is the one time in my life that he disappears. I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally. Perhaps it's because I don't talk to him. We have never really had the "talking" kind of relationship, EVER. When we do talk, it does nothing. It never has. He doesn't listen to me, and I fear he never will.
No wonder I attach myself to the men who hurt me, and pull away from the ones who want to "take care of me". The one man who said he always would (and who has, materialistically, but has failed horribly in other areas, you know, the areas that matter) let me down.
I thought that a parent's number one priority in life was to see their children happy. Didn't matter what they did to MAKE themselves happy, as long as it wasn't illegal of course, but as long as they were HAPPY....I thought that's all that mattered. I thought that their job was to help them, help them in any way they needed. Sure, teach them right from wrong. Show a little tough love every now and then. But when their children NEEDED love at one of the most confusing times of their life, I thought that as a parent, that would be the one thing they would be most willing to give. I guess I was wrong....
You would think with the way my parents are acting that I was into some hard drugs or something like that.....but no. I'm just happy. Or I was. I finally had some clarity and contentment in my life. But not anymore.....and it is ashame....
So, to my Daddy....
I'm sorry I'm not as successful as you want me to be. I'm sorry that I have somehow disappointed you by being excessively happy. I'm sorry that I don't do things EXACTLY right, and that by being in your house, the house I used to call mine, I have become a burden to you. I'm sorry.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Best Friends: Common Sense Not Required
*Disclaimer* PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS BLOG CONTAINS THINGS THAT IF YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR OR ARE EASILY OFFENDED, YOU SHOULD NOT READ!
As most of you who know me know, my best childhood friend is Julianna Cole.
We have always, and when I say always, I mean the past 22 years, been best friends and we probably always will be. It's a funny thing though because we are complete opposites. Granted, we do have a lot of the same taste in music (for the most part; she likes rap and I like oldies and alternative stuff), but we are very different girls. She is slender, skinny, but very active and athletic. Me, well, I'm curvy and lazy. HAH! She has always had long, thick, beautiful curly hair. Mine was curly as well, but I have cut it through the years, which has straightened it out quite a bit. She was raised with, shall we say PRIVELIGES. I was blessed, but she has been very well off her whole life. I have been working since I was 17. She hasn't really ever had a real job before.
But the point of this blog is not to note our differences, it is to note that we are both very smart girls. But sometimes, we lack MUCH common sense.
Let's start with the Tanning Bed incident, shall we?
Picture if you will, me, driving in my little red ranger on a beautiful sunny spring day. I'm about 17, listening to the radio, jamming out, when I get a phone call from my dear friend, Miss Julianna. The conversation goes as follows:
Julianna: Lia, hey I had a question and I wanted to ask you because you're the only one who won't laugh at me....
Lia: Oh Lord, here we go.
(She was always asking me the funniest things. Why she thought I wouldn't laugh at her, I had no idea. But I couldn't wait to hear what she had to say)
Julianna: haha, yea. So, I've started going to the bed recently. I've gone about 3 or 4 times now and everytime I leave, I notice that my back is really really tan, but I'm getting nothing on my front.
Lia: (trying to hold back laughs, only imagining what's coming next) Yes....
Julianna: Yea, and so I got out of the tanning bed today and I had to lean on the bed to put my clothes back on....
Lia: Uh huh....
Julianna: ....and well, the top of it, it moved!
There was a long silence because at this point because first of all, I'm silently cracking up, and second of all I'm trying to figure out what the hell she means by "the top" of it. Then I figure out, to my dismay, she has to be talking about the LID!
Lia: yes....it does that....? What's your question?
Julianna: Well, am I supposed to lower it down over me while I'm tanning?
Oh. My. God. Yea, I couldn't hold the laughter in too much at this point. But, I still tried through laughter to say....
Lia: Yes, hun. When you lay in it, the bulbs you're laying on get your back, and the top of it gets your front.
Julianna: Okay. THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU!
Lia: Yup, anytime. Love you too.
*click*
Lia: HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER!!!!!! LOUDLY!!!!
To this day, I don't and never will let her live that down.
Proceeding to exhibit B.
I guess I should have started with this first since it happened first....but I couldn't wait to tell of the tanning bed =P (Can't you tell I LOVE my best friend?)
This incident has to do with MY stupidity. We're about 14 years old at Camp Caswell with our church youth groups. We were at that age where Mother Nature just started her regular visits. Now, my mother wasn't comfortable with me using tampons at such a young age, and neither was I. I didn't understand why women wore them. But I soon found out that they were a whole lot more comfortable than I thought.
Our churches were very close in location to one another in town. So, since we were going to the same camp on the same week, we decided to follow each other down. It was about 8 hours away from home....it was on the coast of NC, near Wilmington, right on the beach. It was July 2003, very hot outside and it was definitely BIKINI season.
Because Mother Nature had paid me a visit on my vacation, I wasn't quite sure how I was going to go swimming. How do you swim in a pad? Had I been brave enough to wear a tampon, I could most certainly go. But again, how do women STAND to wear tampons? It was totally beyond my belief.
I went to her church's cabin to meet up with the girls of her youth group so we could all put our bathing suits on and go. Well, except me of course. The conversation went something like this.
Kim: (Julianna's mom) Lia, sweetie, why aren't you going swimming?
Lia: O, well, I just started my period, so I can't. It's okay though. I can just lay out.
Kim: What do you mean you can't? Why don't you wear a tampon?
Lia: They're just uncomfortable
Kim: Really? Why? Are you putting them in far enough?
Well, by this time I'm blushing. This was just taboo for me to talk to my mom about, much less my best friends mother, and all the other mothers there.
Lia: Um, I think if I put it in further it may hurt.
Kim: (Looking puzzled) Are you putting it in right?
Lia: Well, I think so.
Julianna: here (handing me a tampon) Go put it in, and then walk out and tell us how it feels.
Lia: well, okay then.
I go into the bathroom and put the thing in. God, this was so embarrassing. Why were they doing this to me? After being in there for a while, reading the instructions, following them (or so I thought) I walked out, wobbling, with something sticking out from between my legs. Yup. It looked like I had grown a penis.
All the ladies just stared at me like cows looking at a new gate. I was humiliated. Why were they staring? And why didn't any of them look like I did? Where were their fake penises?
Then it occurred to me that I had to be doing something wrong. Julianna's laughter confirmed it.
Julianna: NO WONDER IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE!
Lia: What are you talking about?
Kim: Lia, (laughing hysterically), honey you're supposed to push the cotton UP....you're not supposed to leave the applicator in there....
Lia: The cotton? What cotton?
By this time, every girl in that cabin was cracking up at me, the moms included.
Julianna: There's a cotton thing inside the applicator, Lia. You never noticed that?
Lia: No, not really.....
So, needless to say, I had a tampon lesson that day, right there in the cabin. From that day forward, tampons have been one of my best friends. =)
Fast forward about 6 or 7 years. We were 19 years old. I had moved to Orlando, FL and started working at Walt Disneyworld. Had just moved into my first apartment and who was my first guest? Julianna of course. Her mom gave me a 100 dollar gift card to Wal Mart as a house-warming present, and food for the week Julianna would be staying there. So, among food, and a few other knick knacks, we got some cheap salt and pepper shakers and the cooresponding ingredients. For some odd reason, perhaps the excitement of having my first place, my own kitched utensils and appliances, and getting to do things MY way for the first time ever, I couldn't wait to go home and start using those salt and pepper shakers.
We ended up getting ground pepper, which, for that particular pepper shaker was the wrong kind. But, I figured, hey, pepper is pepper. So what if it's messy when it comes out? We got the right salt, but putting it into the shaker was an adventure indeed.
Picture if you will, two 19 year old girls, standing in the kitchen, yapping away. Me, opening my new appliances and getting the salt and pepper ready to put in them. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this, right?
I turn the salt shaker upside down to apply the salt, because the hole was on the bottom, and I couldn't apply the salt from the top, right? Right. So, I start pouring the salt in. Again, Julianna and I are talking away. At one point, I look down at the salt shaker to see the progress it's making in filling up. It's not filling up at all. As I look down farther I see my mistake, but not before I saw a HUGE pile of salt hanging out on my counter.
I look at Julianna. She looks back at me. And the laughter begins. I guess I should have closed the holes, or put my hand UNDER the holes....but I just didn't think about it I guess....
So, yes....Julianna and I are best friends. We are very different. But when it comes to common sense, we are just about the same; but I wouldn't change it for the world.....=)
As most of you who know me know, my best childhood friend is Julianna Cole.
But the point of this blog is not to note our differences, it is to note that we are both very smart girls. But sometimes, we lack MUCH common sense.
Let's start with the Tanning Bed incident, shall we?
Picture if you will, me, driving in my little red ranger on a beautiful sunny spring day. I'm about 17, listening to the radio, jamming out, when I get a phone call from my dear friend, Miss Julianna. The conversation goes as follows:
Julianna: Lia, hey I had a question and I wanted to ask you because you're the only one who won't laugh at me....
Lia: Oh Lord, here we go.
(She was always asking me the funniest things. Why she thought I wouldn't laugh at her, I had no idea. But I couldn't wait to hear what she had to say)
Julianna: haha, yea. So, I've started going to the bed recently. I've gone about 3 or 4 times now and everytime I leave, I notice that my back is really really tan, but I'm getting nothing on my front.
Lia: (trying to hold back laughs, only imagining what's coming next) Yes....
Julianna: Yea, and so I got out of the tanning bed today and I had to lean on the bed to put my clothes back on....
Lia: Uh huh....
Julianna: ....and well, the top of it, it moved!
There was a long silence because at this point because first of all, I'm silently cracking up, and second of all I'm trying to figure out what the hell she means by "the top" of it. Then I figure out, to my dismay, she has to be talking about the LID!
Lia: yes....it does that....? What's your question?
Julianna: Well, am I supposed to lower it down over me while I'm tanning?
Oh. My. God. Yea, I couldn't hold the laughter in too much at this point. But, I still tried through laughter to say....
Lia: Yes, hun. When you lay in it, the bulbs you're laying on get your back, and the top of it gets your front.
Julianna: Okay. THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU!
Lia: Yup, anytime. Love you too.
*click*
Lia: HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER!!!!!! LOUDLY!!!!
To this day, I don't and never will let her live that down.
Proceeding to exhibit B.
I guess I should have started with this first since it happened first....but I couldn't wait to tell of the tanning bed =P (Can't you tell I LOVE my best friend?)
This incident has to do with MY stupidity. We're about 14 years old at Camp Caswell with our church youth groups. We were at that age where Mother Nature just started her regular visits. Now, my mother wasn't comfortable with me using tampons at such a young age, and neither was I. I didn't understand why women wore them. But I soon found out that they were a whole lot more comfortable than I thought.
Our churches were very close in location to one another in town. So, since we were going to the same camp on the same week, we decided to follow each other down. It was about 8 hours away from home....it was on the coast of NC, near Wilmington, right on the beach. It was July 2003, very hot outside and it was definitely BIKINI season.
Because Mother Nature had paid me a visit on my vacation, I wasn't quite sure how I was going to go swimming. How do you swim in a pad? Had I been brave enough to wear a tampon, I could most certainly go. But again, how do women STAND to wear tampons? It was totally beyond my belief.
I went to her church's cabin to meet up with the girls of her youth group so we could all put our bathing suits on and go. Well, except me of course. The conversation went something like this.
Kim: (Julianna's mom) Lia, sweetie, why aren't you going swimming?
Lia: O, well, I just started my period, so I can't. It's okay though. I can just lay out.
Kim: What do you mean you can't? Why don't you wear a tampon?
Lia: They're just uncomfortable
Kim: Really? Why? Are you putting them in far enough?
Well, by this time I'm blushing. This was just taboo for me to talk to my mom about, much less my best friends mother, and all the other mothers there.
Lia: Um, I think if I put it in further it may hurt.
Kim: (Looking puzzled) Are you putting it in right?
Lia: Well, I think so.
Julianna: here (handing me a tampon) Go put it in, and then walk out and tell us how it feels.
Lia: well, okay then.
I go into the bathroom and put the thing in. God, this was so embarrassing. Why were they doing this to me? After being in there for a while, reading the instructions, following them (or so I thought) I walked out, wobbling, with something sticking out from between my legs. Yup. It looked like I had grown a penis.
All the ladies just stared at me like cows looking at a new gate. I was humiliated. Why were they staring? And why didn't any of them look like I did? Where were their fake penises?
Then it occurred to me that I had to be doing something wrong. Julianna's laughter confirmed it.
Julianna: NO WONDER IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE!
Lia: What are you talking about?
Kim: Lia, (laughing hysterically), honey you're supposed to push the cotton UP....you're not supposed to leave the applicator in there....
Lia: The cotton? What cotton?
By this time, every girl in that cabin was cracking up at me, the moms included.
Julianna: There's a cotton thing inside the applicator, Lia. You never noticed that?
Lia: No, not really.....
So, needless to say, I had a tampon lesson that day, right there in the cabin. From that day forward, tampons have been one of my best friends. =)
Fast forward about 6 or 7 years. We were 19 years old. I had moved to Orlando, FL and started working at Walt Disneyworld. Had just moved into my first apartment and who was my first guest? Julianna of course. Her mom gave me a 100 dollar gift card to Wal Mart as a house-warming present, and food for the week Julianna would be staying there. So, among food, and a few other knick knacks, we got some cheap salt and pepper shakers and the cooresponding ingredients. For some odd reason, perhaps the excitement of having my first place, my own kitched utensils and appliances, and getting to do things MY way for the first time ever, I couldn't wait to go home and start using those salt and pepper shakers.
We ended up getting ground pepper, which, for that particular pepper shaker was the wrong kind. But, I figured, hey, pepper is pepper. So what if it's messy when it comes out? We got the right salt, but putting it into the shaker was an adventure indeed.
Picture if you will, two 19 year old girls, standing in the kitchen, yapping away. Me, opening my new appliances and getting the salt and pepper ready to put in them. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this, right?
I turn the salt shaker upside down to apply the salt, because the hole was on the bottom, and I couldn't apply the salt from the top, right? Right. So, I start pouring the salt in. Again, Julianna and I are talking away. At one point, I look down at the salt shaker to see the progress it's making in filling up. It's not filling up at all. As I look down farther I see my mistake, but not before I saw a HUGE pile of salt hanging out on my counter.
I look at Julianna. She looks back at me. And the laughter begins. I guess I should have closed the holes, or put my hand UNDER the holes....but I just didn't think about it I guess....
This was after we had cleaned most of it up.......
So, yes....Julianna and I are best friends. We are very different. But when it comes to common sense, we are just about the same; but I wouldn't change it for the world.....=)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
CELEBRATE Your LIFE!
22 years ago, my life had just begun. I wasn't a planned baby, but nevertheless, I was coming, ready or not. In April 1988, my mother married a wonderful man I am blessed to call, Daddy, and I followed in February. I was a month and a half pre-mature, and had no thyroid gland. My birthday could have easily been my death day, but God had a plan for my life, and it's for that reason that I am celebrating the big 22!
I have had a pretty BLESSED 22 years. I didn't have everything I wanted, but I definitely had everything I needed and more! Every one of my birthdays have been celebrated. Not necessarily in a HUGE way, but they have always been very much recognized.
Of course, I don't remember my first birthday at all. The only thing I know about it is that I had a chocolate ice cream cake made by my grandmother, and I didn't get too messy. And I only know that much from pictures and stories:
The only thing I remember about my 2nd birthday, and I remember very WELL, is my amazing and quite colorful Bert and Ernie cake that was made by one of our neighbors. I still remember how it tasted! Crazy huh? But what can I say? It was a GOOD cake!
For my third birthday, the family went to Chuck E Cheese. But back then, it was called Show Biz. The only thing I remember about that birthday were the characters dancing and my dad doing the Whack-A-Mole game because I thought that was the funniest thing ever!
For my fourth birthday, the family went to J&S Cafeteria. Not really the IDEAL place for a 4 year old's birthday, but it was my grandpa's favorite place, and I guess I didn't really care...after all, I was only 4? And for some reason, I went through a weird ballerina stage that year...needless to say, I had a ballerina cake too!
My fifth birthday was held at my Great Grandmother's house. This was the BARBIE year. And that cake, wow. It was almost bigger than I was! The tablecloth was Barbie, the wrapping paper was Barbie, and a lot of my gifts were Barbie. I really did LOVE Barbie!
For my 6th birthday, we went to Mr. Gattie's in Hendersonville. I had some of my closest friends who also shared birthday's in February there with me: Roxanne and her twin brother and sister and Julianna, my lifelong best friend. That was a fun birthday! I asked for a MY SIZE BARBIE....I got a My Size Wendy. I took that doll EVERYWHERE!
My seventh birthday was awesome, for me anyway. My mom about pulled her hair out! I invited most of my 1st grade class, including boys. Yea, it was definitely a crazy birthday, complete with a pinata! The girls got to sit in the floor to eat the cake, but the boys had to sit at the table. Of course, all the girls found that totally hysterical!
For my 8th birthday, I wanted to invite all my classmates again. This time my mother got smart and booked the Rec Department for my party! That way we could run around in the gym and it wouldn't matter at all!
I don't really remember my 9th birthday at all....but I do remember going to Don Pablo's for my Uncle's birthday in January. Because I was the youngest at the table, and my birthday was coming up, they sang to me as well, complete with a sombrero and everything. I felt so special!
But one of my favorite birthdays of all was my 10th.
This was my first sleepover! I invited about 10 girls...which, in the fourth grade, is a BIG sleepover. We went rollerskating first and every girl in my party got hurt somehow, except me. I thought that in itself was a pretty good birthday present. When we got home, we opened presents, and I got some pretty awesome gifts!
By the time it was time for us to go to bed, we were hyped up on cake and ice cream and soda and candy from the skating rink. Probably wasn't a good idea to have cake right before bed....but, my mom learned the hard way again. I remember she peeped her head out of her room and said "the next word I hear out of you girls, you're coming to sleep with me!" With that, we all grabbed our sleeping bags and moved into the den, which was further away from moms room, but closer to dads, who could sleep through a hurricane! We ended up wearing ourselves out and going to sleep at some point....
As I got older, the birthdays were a little more interesting of course. For my 13th and 14th bday, I took my friends to the mall, one just the Asheville Mall and the other Concord Mills in Charlotte. For that birthday, we stayed in a hotel and had our own suite! It was awesome! We even bought an at-home pedicure kit, and our chaperones (My mother, her best friend, and one of my teachers/youth directors) were the "pedicurists". We also had a karaoke machine. That birthday was definitely one of my favorites.
Of course, I don't remember my first birthday at all. The only thing I know about it is that I had a chocolate ice cream cake made by my grandmother, and I didn't get too messy. And I only know that much from pictures and stories:
The only thing I remember about my 2nd birthday, and I remember very WELL, is my amazing and quite colorful Bert and Ernie cake that was made by one of our neighbors. I still remember how it tasted! Crazy huh? But what can I say? It was a GOOD cake!
For my third birthday, the family went to Chuck E Cheese. But back then, it was called Show Biz. The only thing I remember about that birthday were the characters dancing and my dad doing the Whack-A-Mole game because I thought that was the funniest thing ever!
For my fourth birthday, the family went to J&S Cafeteria. Not really the IDEAL place for a 4 year old's birthday, but it was my grandpa's favorite place, and I guess I didn't really care...after all, I was only 4? And for some reason, I went through a weird ballerina stage that year...needless to say, I had a ballerina cake too!
My fifth birthday was held at my Great Grandmother's house. This was the BARBIE year. And that cake, wow. It was almost bigger than I was! The tablecloth was Barbie, the wrapping paper was Barbie, and a lot of my gifts were Barbie. I really did LOVE Barbie!
My seventh birthday was awesome, for me anyway. My mom about pulled her hair out! I invited most of my 1st grade class, including boys. Yea, it was definitely a crazy birthday, complete with a pinata! The girls got to sit in the floor to eat the cake, but the boys had to sit at the table. Of course, all the girls found that totally hysterical!
As I got older, the birthdays were a little more interesting of course. For my 13th and 14th bday, I took my friends to the mall, one just the Asheville Mall and the other Concord Mills in Charlotte. For that birthday, we stayed in a hotel and had our own suite! It was awesome! We even bought an at-home pedicure kit, and our chaperones (My mother, her best friend, and one of my teachers/youth directors) were the "pedicurists". We also had a karaoke machine. That birthday was definitely one of my favorites.
In the years that have followed, I have had some good birthdays. Whether there was cake in the face, a party that went wrong, an expensive dinner to the Grove Park Inn, or drinking WAY too much at Wild Wing Cafe, I have really had a lot of fun!
I've learned that once a person hits age 25 or so, there are some people out there who get really depressed that they are getting old. They hate celebrating their birthdays and they have no fun whatsoever. I don't think I will ever be like that. I embrace age first of all, and second of all, a birthday isn't about getting older! It's not about saying GOODBYE to another year of your life...okay, well, in a sense it is. But not the way I look at it. I look at it as a CELEBRATION of that persons life. Since I was almost gone before I even hit age 2, it's a celebration for me that YES! I made it another year! And it should be that way for everyone! YES! You have survived another year of your life! CONGRATULATIONS! Now, enjoy this day! It's YOUR day! This one day out of this WHOLE 365 day year is all YOURS! Do what you like with it!
And a word of advice from a very wise person I know: if you don't wanna be another year older, don't be. If you don't want to turn 30, then don't. Be 29 for the rest of your life! It'll keep it fun =)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Why You Gotta Be ANGRY ALL THE TIME?
This is an older song by Tim and Faith, but it wasn't until last night that I really paid attention to the lyrics. It gave me chills! It was amazing how much I related to it, or rather, how much it reminded me of my PARENTS. It's amazing how you don't really pay attention to a song (or a movie for that matter) and then years later you understand it, and sometimes you actually relate to it. Last night, I thought "why didn't I listen to this before?". O well. Anyway, here it goes. Enjoy!
Here we are
What is left of a husband and a wife
With four good kids who have a way
Of gettin on with their lives
And I'm not old
But I'm gettin a whole lot older every day
It's too late to keep from going crazy
I've got to get away
The reasons that I can't stay
Don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that loving a man
Shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one who feels like
This world's left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be angry all the time
Our boys are strong now
The spittin image of you when you were young
I hope someday
They can see past what you have become
And I remember every time
I said I'd never leave
But what I can't live with
Is memories of the way you used to be
Chorus
Twenty years
Have came and went since I walked out of your door
I never quite made it back
To the one I was before
God it hurts me to think of you
For the light in your eyes was gone
Sometimes I don't know why
This old world can't leave well enough alone
Chorus
I don't know why you gotta be angry all the time
Sunday, January 23, 2011
DANCE in the RAIN
It's been a little over 5 years since my grandpa, Pops, went to be with Jesus. I miss him all the time and he is always in my heart and my thoughts. But last night, he came to see me in my dreams. It's been a while since his last visit, so this dream came as a shock to me. I woke up this morning crying (since I cry about everything).
Pops passed away when I was 16. He was fairly young: had just turned 70. The past 5 1/2 years have been some of the most challenging of all for me, and he hasn't been here to help me out. It saddens me, but at the same time, when I have these kind of dreams (which happen too few and far between), I am reminded that he IS here, just in a different form.
Last night, I dreamt that my family was having a big get together at my house (for a change). Everyone was getting the food ready and talking and laughing. At one point, it fell very quiet. Someone, not really sure who, said "I wish Pops were here with us right now", and of course everyone in unison said "Yea, me too".
Nona, my grandma, went outside to get something in her car. It was raining pretty hard outside, so she took her umbrella. She was gone for a good while, but when she came back inside, she was laughing. I asked her, "Nona, what's so funny?" She looked up at me with a smile and said "Look outside, Lia."
I looked and saw my silly Pops dancing outside with a big smile on his face, no umbrella, no rain jacket, no music. He looked up and winked at me and motioned for me to come outside with him. So, I obeyed. I left my umbrella inside.
We danced in the rain together as he sang one of his favorite songs (I can't remember which one it was now), laughing and carryin on. At the end of our dance, he gave me a hug, kissed my hand and simply smiled. And then I woke up, crying. You see, it's dreams like this that make me miss him so much. I realize now he was sending me a message. Maybe that he's enjoying seeing me happy these days (because I'm the happiest I've been in a while). Or, maybe he's agreeing with Nona's favorite quote "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."
Though I am happy, I still have my confusing, trying times. It's in those times I wish he was here the most, so he could crack a joke or two, or just give me one of his awesome hugs. But now I know that he really is here, and he just wants me to dance. In the rain. With no umbrella =)
Pops passed away when I was 16. He was fairly young: had just turned 70. The past 5 1/2 years have been some of the most challenging of all for me, and he hasn't been here to help me out. It saddens me, but at the same time, when I have these kind of dreams (which happen too few and far between), I am reminded that he IS here, just in a different form.
Last night, I dreamt that my family was having a big get together at my house (for a change). Everyone was getting the food ready and talking and laughing. At one point, it fell very quiet. Someone, not really sure who, said "I wish Pops were here with us right now", and of course everyone in unison said "Yea, me too".
Nona, my grandma, went outside to get something in her car. It was raining pretty hard outside, so she took her umbrella. She was gone for a good while, but when she came back inside, she was laughing. I asked her, "Nona, what's so funny?" She looked up at me with a smile and said "Look outside, Lia."
I looked and saw my silly Pops dancing outside with a big smile on his face, no umbrella, no rain jacket, no music. He looked up and winked at me and motioned for me to come outside with him. So, I obeyed. I left my umbrella inside.
We danced in the rain together as he sang one of his favorite songs (I can't remember which one it was now), laughing and carryin on. At the end of our dance, he gave me a hug, kissed my hand and simply smiled. And then I woke up, crying. You see, it's dreams like this that make me miss him so much. I realize now he was sending me a message. Maybe that he's enjoying seeing me happy these days (because I'm the happiest I've been in a while). Or, maybe he's agreeing with Nona's favorite quote "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."
Though I am happy, I still have my confusing, trying times. It's in those times I wish he was here the most, so he could crack a joke or two, or just give me one of his awesome hugs. But now I know that he really is here, and he just wants me to dance. In the rain. With no umbrella =)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Let's HEAR It For The BOYS!
I did say that I was going to write a blog that I was thankful for my boys =) Here it is Thanksgiving Day and I'm just now getting to it. Oh well....better late than never, right?
I have always gotten along better with guys than I have girls. I think it's mostly because guys bring along less drama...well...sometimes. Sometimes they bring along MORE. But in any case, guys are sometimes more fun. I do have more than double "boys" than I do girls, so this may take a minute (haha). But here it goes!
Rick Castiglione
Chris Giggleman
Jesse Miller
This hunky guy was my first love =) About six years ago! We've been through a lot together and he will always hold a very special place in my heart. I love him dearly! He is corney as all get out, and sometimes too smart for his own good. But that's okay because that's Jesse. He is an incredibly talented aspiring architect, and I can't wait to see what he can do one of these days! He is also someone that keeps me sane. I am thankful that God put him in my life to keep me grounded....to help me face reality. To encourage me, and to look out for me. There is only one Jesse Miller out there and I am honored to call him my friend!
Joe Dan Spearman
Jake Goodchild
If you notice, our last names are very similar =) We met in High School in homeroom freshman year, and I believe we had the same homeroom every year after. He's the child, and I'm the son and well, we just kinda clicked since day one. Jake is a JOY to have in my life. Never ever a dull moment with him. He's all about FUN! I am thankful for the excitement he brings to my life. Oh, and he gives the best hugs, too! =)
Keith "Keef" Biggs
Keith and I met the same night Mr. Jake Hustead and I met. My first impression of him was that he was quiet. But I have definately learned otherwise through the years (hahaha). He is a die hard Tarheels fan, and he loves the 9ers too. He's just an all around cool dude. I am blessed to have him, his beautiful girlfriend Brittney, and their adorable son, Kamden in my life. He is like a big brother to me, and he can always make me laugh! I will call him my "brother" foreva and eva!
and last but not least,
Kenny Snyder
I have always gotten along better with guys than I have girls. I think it's mostly because guys bring along less drama...well...sometimes. Sometimes they bring along MORE. But in any case, guys are sometimes more fun. I do have more than double "boys" than I do girls, so this may take a minute (haha). But here it goes!
This man is the LOVE of my LIFE. He is my BEST friend. My partner in crime....my future. I am thankful for him every single day. We have had our downfalls, we have had our trying times....but we have also had our good times. There has never been a day that went by, even in the worst of times, that we didn't tell each other "I love you." The day I met him, I knew that he would be a part of my life indefinately. When we had to say goodbye the first time, I knew we would see each other again. But I never knew he would be the man I would plan on spending eternity with. He makes me smile. He has shown me what REAL love is. What UNCONDITIONAL love is. He has proved to me that not all men are the same (well, they are....but we're talking about something different here) and for that, I am eternally thankful. I LOVE THIS MAN to the moon and back a million times!
Jake Hustead
This goofy looking fella....lol....(jk, he's a hunk) ah well....idk what to say about him. I'm thankful. The end.
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Just kidding =) Mr. Hustead is definately one of a kind. We met about three years ago through an ex of mine. My first impression of him? "This guy is WACKED!" haha, and I wasn't wrong. He is crazy! In the three years I have known him, we have gone from "friends of a mutual friend", to "party buddies" (well, lol kinda. I was only 19 at the time we met so I couldn't do MUCH partying) Then a week after my birthday in 2008, we became much more. He showed me that he wasn't just a crazy guy who loved to party, but he was genuine. He was compassionate, he was caring; he became my "big brother". He became someone I looked up to very much, someone I knew would ALWAYS be in my life for the rest of our lives. Since I have been home the past five months, we have become even closer, and for that I am thankful.
Chase Frederick
This dude....well, he's the "ex" I mentioned in the above tribute. This picture pretty much describes him to a T. He really IS crazy! But as wacked out as he is, he is still a big part of my life and I am thankful (for whatever reason) =P I am most thankful for him because he has shown me how to "loosen up"...how to "care less" about things in life and just LIVE it! His life is basically one big party, and for some reason, I still look to him for guidance (haha). But I do have to say, the guy has always been right. Well, 90% of the time. Any time I ask for his advice about something, he has usually been right on target. Dude can read my like a book. Even though he does make me ANGRY sometimes, and sometimes I wanna knock his bald head into a wall....he makes me smile too...somehow. We have our fun times...and he really is a great person inside and out. We have been through a lot together, and there have been times where we didn't speak for months on end because of some falling out we had. But after a while, it got to a point where I didn't mind not speaking to him...it didn't really bother me, because I knew we would end up speaking again. He's my buddy and he always will be. FO-EVA! =)
Jason Calhoun
=) This man is an angel. Seriously. We met my freshman year of high school in English Class. He sat behind me most of the semester and...well...we laughed. A LOT! He always made me sing for him and he would accompany me with guitar. I don't know where I would be without him in my life. He took me to our Junior Prom and was the BEST date EVERRRR! We have so many memories...and I hope we continue to make more. I haven't seen him in a while because he decided to up and go to EUROPE and be a missionary. Um, AWESOME? Yea! I admire him greatly; I admire his compassion, his FAITH, his kindness, his talent. I admire everything about him. We will be friends until the end of time...and that is a guarantee!
I actually met this guy on True.com when I was 18. Yea, we dated for about 4 months or so. We broke up because I moved to Florida, but when I came back, we didn't get back together. But that's okay. We have stayed really good friends for the past four years and I am very thankful for that. He gives me great advice and is always there when I need him. I admire him tremendously! At the age of 21, (my age now) he owned his own home. At 25, he is building a new one. A HUGE lake house. He is very successful and he does nothing but strive to succeed. I am very proud to call him a friend of mine =)
Josh Cagle
Mr. Cagle and I met about six years ago. We met completely by accident! I called someone and he answered their phone. It was funny, and since that day, we have been very good friends. This guy is awesome! He's a successful DJ, and he's full of life, and fun, and just...wow. Awesome awesome guy inside and out! He is a cowboy, and he can't stay in one place for too long (and if he can, he has yet to prove it lol) But he always has my back, and will always always be someone I can turn to nomatter what, rain or shine, near or far!
This hunky guy was my first love =) About six years ago! We've been through a lot together and he will always hold a very special place in my heart. I love him dearly! He is corney as all get out, and sometimes too smart for his own good. But that's okay because that's Jesse. He is an incredibly talented aspiring architect, and I can't wait to see what he can do one of these days! He is also someone that keeps me sane. I am thankful that God put him in my life to keep me grounded....to help me face reality. To encourage me, and to look out for me. There is only one Jesse Miller out there and I am honored to call him my friend!
Welp, this rite cheer, this here is Mr. Joe Day-un Spearman. =) Him's a good ol' boy. We've knowed each other since we was dag nim lil squirts. Him's my best friend, Julianna'a cuuzzin....lol alright alright. Dan is my brother God forgot to give me. He and his brother, Blake have picked on me my entire life. It used to bother me, but now I know that they wouldn't do it if they didn't love me. (And they'll deny that too. hahaha) We don't spend too much time together, but I always know that if I need an ear, he is just a phone call or text away. I am blessed to call him my extended family!
If you notice, our last names are very similar =) We met in High School in homeroom freshman year, and I believe we had the same homeroom every year after. He's the child, and I'm the son and well, we just kinda clicked since day one. Jake is a JOY to have in my life. Never ever a dull moment with him. He's all about FUN! I am thankful for the excitement he brings to my life. Oh, and he gives the best hugs, too! =)
Keith and I met the same night Mr. Jake Hustead and I met. My first impression of him was that he was quiet. But I have definately learned otherwise through the years (hahaha). He is a die hard Tarheels fan, and he loves the 9ers too. He's just an all around cool dude. I am blessed to have him, his beautiful girlfriend Brittney, and their adorable son, Kamden in my life. He is like a big brother to me, and he can always make me laugh! I will call him my "brother" foreva and eva!
and last but not least,
=) Kenny and I just met a couple months ago. He is a phenomenal guy! We knew each other a few weeks before we found out that our sisters are childhood best friends. It was amazing how we had gone our whole lives without knowing the other existed when we found that out. Kenny has two beautiful little boys, of whom I have never met, but I hope to one of these days! I admire him greatly from the short time I have known him, and I hope to know him for many years to come!
These boys, scuse me, these MEN hold a very special place in my heart. They have all brought some joy to my life and I am eternally grateful that God placed them in my life. They all have my back, and I know that if someone has hurt me and needs a good beat down (or just a stern talking to, or a prayer) these are the guys to call.
To Jake H., Chase, Jason, Chris, Dan, Jake G., Jesse, Josh, Keef and Kenny, I love you very much! Thank you for everything you are and everything you have done for me. I could never put into words what you all mean to me, but always know that I am here for you no matter what, just as you have been for me. I know, for some of you, we may not get to "hang" as often as I'd like, but I always know ya'll are all just a phone call away. Thank you all for having my back, and for being the "brothers" I never had.
And to Rick, I say thank you for being my BEST FRIEND, my partner in crime, and for NEVER leaving my side! I love you!
Lots of love! xoxoxoxo
-Lia
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
To Answer Your Questions....
So...I have recently gotten back together with my "ex"...Rick. Or should I say, the Love of My Life. I know a lot of your reactions to this news (if you haven't heard already) is "HUH?!" and I have to say, yea. I understand your reaction. I also understand why you would want to talk me out of it. So, even though I believe that this blog is completely ridiculous....that I shouldn't HAVE to explain myself to ANYONE because I am a grown adult and am perfectly capable of making my own freaking decisions....I decided I would just lay it all out on the table and explain my decisions to those of you who find it disturbing that Rick and I are back together. I'm frankly tired of the questions....I'm tired of the lectures. To those of you who have been supportive, and genuinely HAPPY for me, I say a loud THANK YOU! This blog is simply meant for YOUR entertainment. Anyway, here goes nothing:
Let's start with the night I left him, shall we?
First of all, you should know that my leaving him came out of left field for him. He did not see it coming at all. That was my fault for making him believe that everything was perfectly fine with us. For making him believe that he had NO reason to think that I would ever leave him. Literally, a day before I left, we were hanging up pictures and figuring out where things were going to go and I believe we were even planning a housewarming party for our new apartment. A long over-due housewarming party...but it was still a party. He was happy....and I acted happy. So, you have to take that fact into consideration.
Second of all, Rick was never this out of line before. We never fought, really. I mean, sure we argued. We disagreed. But RARELY did we scream at each other. RARELY did we say things to each other we would regret later. When we would "fight", it was over little things, it didn't happen too often, and when it did, it was over in five minutes....or a few hours. But we never went to bed angry and we always made an effort to solve whatever it was we were upset about.
Notice in the above paragraph I clearly said "made an effort". I say that because had we successfully fixed the little issues, had we completely resolved them, I wouldn't be writing this blog right now because I would have never left.
About a week before I decided to leave, and you can go back and read my previous blogs through April and May and June too, you may notice that I wrote a "bucket list". I made a list of 100 things I wanted to do before I died. Now, you would think that when you made a list such as that, your significant other would be happy for you. They would support you, and they would say stuff along the lines of "I hope we can do those things together one day" right? Well, Rick's reaction was not that. He kind of rolled his eyes at a few of those things on the list and said stuff like "Alright babe, good luck with all that" but in a sarcastic tone. As if I would never accomplish those things. That scared me a bit, for two reasons. One, because I thought he would be supportive and it scared me that he wasn't, and second, because it was a big wake-up call for me. See, Rick and I had plans to marry. And when I realized that I wanted to do all these things, and I wanted him beside me to do them, but he may not be there/I wouldn't get to, it scared the crap out of me. I realized that maybe being in that serious of a relationship was too much for me at that time. There were still things I wanted to do with my life, and if he wasn't there to support me, I guess I would have to do them alone. Yea, that was a scary thought because I loved him so much! I WANTED him there.
Another reason I left was he was putting me second. We were both very depressed; we didn't have a lot of money and both of our paychecks went entirely to bills. There was NO extra, and when there was, I spent it. Shame on me, I know. But we never used the extra money to go out with each other because he was always letting what was on TV or his Mafia Wars take the place of OUR time together. He rarely sat with me on the couch. When we were at home together, we were strangers. He would sit at the chair behind me (while I was on the couch) or, out on the patio, smoking his cigarette, drinking his beer, and playing on his computer. He NEVER left his computer. EVER! So, yea, I began to feel unimportant to him. I began to feel like I came second. That our time together wasn't special to him. And I was angry.
I'm not blaming it all on him. By any means. I had my demons too. I was depressed as well, and I wasn't really happy with myself either. The point is, neither one of us was happy with ourselves, therefore it was impossible to make each other happy.
So when I finally decided to leave, it was because I wanted to go and make myself happy. I had every intention of getting back together with him, but I wanted to make sure that I was 100% happy with myself first. I made an attempt to leave twice.
The first time, it just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks one day that leaving was the only way out. That leaving was the only way to make him see that he needed to treat me better. That yea, I was in fact, LEAVING. And it HURT! You see, Rick was the first and only guy I had every LIVED with. Sure, I had spent an ungodly amount of time at my exes homes before. But NEVER had I ever shared bills and had a place of our own together. I had never spent literally EVERY night with anyone before, AND I had never been together with someone for two straight on-going years. Two straight WONDERFUL years. So yea, this wasn't just breaking up with someone. This was picking up my life as I knew it right then and changing everything. I wouldn't just be going down the block, I would be leaving the state and going back to NC. I wouldn't just be breaking up with HIM, I would be leaving the job I loved SO much, the job that I had FINALLY found absolute happiness with. Everything was changing for me.
When I had come to the conclusion, I wanted out as fast as I could and I didn't really want to have to confront him about it. I wanted to just leave. I called my mother over to help me pack. She came over, but she brought my niece and the first words out of her mouth was "Where's Uncle Rick?" Well, that right there tore me to pieces. Instead of packing, my mother just talked to me. We talked about a lot of things, a lot of which I can't remember now. But mostly, we talked about how I just needed to be 100% sure that this is what I wanted to do.
When she left, she left a lot of boxes for me to pack by myself. But I couldn't do it. I could NOT make myself pack my stuff. I kept stopping and staring at the wall. If this was something I really wanted to do, it shouldn't have been that hard, right?
So, I stopped packing and just lay on the couch for the rest of the day until he got home from work. I wasn't do anything except bawling my eyes out. I had been for a long time that day. He came home, and found me and tried to comfort me, but he thought I was crying over something else. He had NO idea what was going through my head. So when I finally just blurted it out, after beating around the bush for a while, and getting frustrated because he wasn't understanding what I was saying, I could see the devastation in his face. THAT was devastating for me in itself and only made me more upset.
Rick then began to throw stuff. Nothing of value, and nothing breakable; things like paper, pillows, clothes, etc.... He was just taking out his frustrations on THINGS. He took my keys at one point: I was notorious for just leaving and not telling him where I was going....just wanting to leave and drive around for a bit to clear my head, then come back when I felt better. And before, it would have been fine. But this time, the words "I'm leaving" came out of my mouth, so when he saw me with my keys, he freaked and took them from me. After hours and hours of trying to find them, and screaming at each other, both of us upset, both of us crying, I finally talked him into just giving me my keys. That I would be right back, I just wanted to clear my head. He very reluctantly gave them back.
I went for a very very short drive. I made it about 15 minutes down the road, when I got sick. VERY sick. I thought maybe it was because I hadn't eaten anything after stressing all day, so I stopped at a Burger King. I ate in the parking lot, and after I ate, I just sat there for a very long time. I thought about a lot of things, and then I began to feel even more sick. So I started back home.
Now, before I go any further, here is a side note. Stress is NOT good for any one's nerves or stomach, especially mine. I am one of those people who literally gets SICK if something crucial is happening in my life, sometimes even when it's a good thing. Second of all, I get car sick, especially when I'm in traffic. (I think the traffic has to do with claustrophobia) So, keep in mind, it's June. It's HOT outside, even at night. I'm on a VERY busy highway in Kissimmee, FL, about 5 minutes away from Walt Disney World. So, on top of me being stressed out because of things happening in MY life, I now have to deal with the heat, and the TRAFFIC! So, I'm nauseated because of HEAT, TRAFFIC, MOTION SICKNESS, AND MY PERSONAL LIFE. I felt like the trip home was HOURS long, even though it was about 10-15 minutes.
I couldn't get into that apartment fast enough. Plus, we lived on the second story too. So there was stair-climbing involved. I got into that apartment at about 10pm; Rick was already in bed; I'm sure he had been crying and was super upset because he NEVER went to bed that early. I went straight to the bathroom and began getting sick. Well, actually I think I was just dry-heaving which is even worse. Did I mention before that when I stopped at Burger King, I didn't finish my meal? Yea, I was so upset I couldn't eat. Rick knows how my stomach is, and he knew that I was upset. So he came in the bathroom, gave me a cold, wet cloth and took me to bed. He put a trash can by the bed and laid with me until I fell asleep. I have to say, that meant a lot. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I meant something to him.
The question of whether or not we loved each other was never applicable. We loved each other to the moon and back. We adored each other. That feeling has never gone away. But somewhere along the line, we lost sight of that. We got our priorities all mixed up, and we started to distance ourselves from one another. Sad, but true.
The next day, we talked a lot. I made him a list of things that I needed him to do for me. I asked him for a list of things he needed from me, and he refused to make one because he insisted there was NOTHING I wasn't doing already. Which, I know has to be bulls*** because I am FAR from perfect. But, he never gave me one. The next week was wonderful, on the surface. For me, inside, I was already gone. I had already made up my mind that I was leaving and there was really nothing he could do to change my mind. But I wanted to at least make an effort to try.
At the end of the week, on Friday, we went to Hollywood Studios in Walt Disney World. We had a good time (for the most part). It was VERY hot outside, and we didn't have a lot of money (we went on his free passes) so we couldn't really eat all that much. The food we did eat, well, it wasn't the best. The place we ate at, well, it was crowded. We were both extremely grumpy. By 2:00, I had had enough and I had definitely made up my mind about him. We left and I didn't speak to him all the way home.
When we got home, I had cooled off a bit. I asked him to come to the pool with me so that maybe we could cool off and relax. To my surprise, he agreed. (The pool at our apartment complex was BEAUTIFUL! It was AMAZING! I had been a few times, and every time I had asked him before, he never came. So yea, I was super surprised he had agreed this time). When we got there, it was like we had never been grumpy. I laid on my back in the pool with his hands balancing me and it was an amazing feeling. That moment was the most relaxed I think I had ever been in the entire two years. I felt safe. I felt free. I felt like he was holding me up, like he was proud of me, but in a loving way. I felt like I could do anything and be anyone. That is until the annoying girl came up.
She literally stood about 2 inches from my face. I acted like I was sleeping, which I almost had been, until she ruined it. We slowly tried to float away from her, but she followed. She talked about her DRAMA...which, let's face it, we didn't need ANY of at that point. So, I had had enough of her and I swam away. He finally got away from her and came over to me. That lasted all of five minutes and she was back again. So, we just got our stuff and left. I have to say, it was very disappointing.
When we got back to the apartment, he got right back on his computer and we were separated again. That did it for me. I was done.
The next day, I told him I was leaving again. My plan was to go to work, go back to my mothers house the next day, and then when he was at work, come back and pack everything and leave. But I couldn't go to work, I was so upset. When he came home, we had the same fight as before, only this time it was worse. He began packing my things for me and throwing them out into the hallway. He said the worst, most hurtful things to me, which only made me cry harder. I called my mom and sister and I was so hysterical I could barely speak. So, mom called my dad and dad called me (he was about 24 hours away, in New York on vacation at the time) and when I was speaking to him, I was crying so hard I could barely talk. Of course, this scared him, and it frustrated him because he couldn't do anything about it except try to calm me down.
I finally got most of my clothes and my necessities, but I couldn't get everything, for lack of space in my car. I left, and went straight to my mom's house about an hour away. All I wanted to do was sleep. I just wanted to lay my head down and sleep. Crying makes you tired by itself....when you're screaming, fighting, throwing things, hitting things, AND crying like a BABY...you know the SCREAMING cry, you're damn near EXHAUSTED. I called my work and told them the situation. They were understanding (thank god) and they told me not to worry about a thing, they would take care of covering me and all that. (See why I loved my job?)
The next day, I waited until he was at work, and I brought my mother and a couple friends with me to pack up the rest of my things. It took three cars, but we managed to get everything packed, even when it began POURING down rain in the middle of it. That was on Saturday. On Sunday, Rick called me and just wanted to talk. So we did. And it was a GREAT talk. We were on the phone for hours. He was calm, I was calm, we were listening to each other and we were understanding. It was agreed that we would keep in touch when I went back home, and that we had every intention of getting back together.
The next day, I went over to say my goodbyes. I know that was probably not the smartest thing to do because it just made us cry more. But I couldn't just leave the love of my life on a bad note like that. I couldn't leave my FAMILY of two years, my BEST FRIEND like that. I wanted him to know that I did love him, and I wanted to just be happy. That was all I wanted. That goodbye was probably the hardest goodbye ever!
During this time, I talked to all my friends and family for advice. The one thing I was worried about the most was regret and of "what if". The person I NEVER listen to, but who I love DEARLY, and listened to this time, was my favorite Aunt Taffy who said something that I will never forget. She said that no matter what I do, I will always wonder about the other option. I can't be worried about the "what ifs". She told me that I needed to stay because I couldn't live without him...not because he's a great person. If I couldn't say that I couldn't live without him, then I should probably leave. And at that point, the only thing I wanted to do was BE ALONE! I hadn't been by myself, and done my OWN thing in 5 years! And I was only 21....
The whole ride home was bittersweet. I cried, I laughed, I sang, I danced, I cried some more. But I also did a lot of thinking. I was ready to be back home with my family. I got to hit "re start" and it felt GREAT. I had a lot of things to look forward to! I was determined to make myself happy! The last time I had done this, you know, moved my life 800+ miles away, I only had three goals: To work at Disney World; to experience living on my own; and to be with the love of my life. All three had happened. One wasn't finished....
It's been five months since I left Rick. I have to say that these five months have been a BLAST. I have had a lot of laughs, I have met new people, and bonded with old friends. I have gone out on dates, I have had a couple "flings". I have been slightly heartbroken...(I mean, let's face it, I don't think I will ever be as heartbroken as I was when I left Rick....this heartbreak I speak of was just a little prick). I have learned very valuable lessons: one of which is that (and I mention this one a lotttttt) when you put someone on a pedestal and expect them to do no wrong, it's THEN that they will let you down. It's the people you never think will hurt you who hurt you the most. And to that person, I say "Thank you. We will always be friends NO MATTER what and I love YOU dearly!" I'm thankful that I was given the opportunity to be with other people, to date, because it made me realize how much I LOVE Rick. That NO one compares to him. I could be with the most PERFECT people. People who, on paper, make complete sense. Who, if it HAD worked out, we would be the picture perfect couple and would live happily ever after...but they wouldn't be RICK. They wouldn't be that man who stole my heart from the beginning, and who loves me more than life itself. That is a HORRIBLE match for me (according to paper, and astrology) but who KNOWS me inside and out, back-erds and FAR-werds, ha ha, upside down and right side up.
A couple weeks ago, I made a trip to Orlando. I wanted to get away from here, (NC), but I wanted to use my discount I got at work: $39 a night for a two bedroom SUITE on International Drive? HEEEEY!!! Well, Rick and I ended up hanging out the entire time. I have to say, it was amazing. We did nothing but talk to each other...about EVERYTHING. And I mean EVERYTHING. We rekindled our relationship, and it was then that we realized we didn't want to spend another second apart. We are both happy with ourselves now. He is back in his niche, working for the company he loves, Chili's; doing what he LOVES, and even though he's not making six-digits a year, and is struggling with bills somewhat, he is happy. It's sad to say, but I guess it's the way it is, that it took THIS...you know, me leaving, for him to realize, for US to realize what we had.
I have no doubt that Rick and I will continue to have our differences. That's what makes us US. There are things about our relationship that we can't change, no matter how hard we try. There are things about him that annoy me, and there are things about me that annoy him. But neither one of us are going to change. And that's okay. As long as we stay focused on fixing our issues, and just put each other FIRST. Do things TOGETHER instead of separate. Spend time with EACH other instead of by ourselves all the time, things will be better. They won't be perfect...they will NEVER be perfect. But they will be better. All I have to say, is that since I came home from my trip, yea I've had my doubts. I've had my fears that things won't get better. But at the same time, I have NOT been able to stop thinking about him.
One thing that kind of made up my mind:
The person I mentioned in a couple previous paragraphs before, you know, the person who hurt me...well, the other night, we had a long conversation about things. We recognized that we wanted the SAME things. We also recognized that we just can't make it work, even though if we did, it would be a good thing. But for some reason, we just can't. He said a couple things that kinda changed my mind about him....so when I left him that night, and for most of the nights following, I have tried to picture him in my life, past the honeymoon stage. And I couldn't do it. It was fuzzy for me. The more I thought about DATING him, the less appealing it was. And I realized it was because this whole time, it was the CHASE I was in love with. The THRILL. The EXCITEMENT. The fact that this was the first time in 2 years I was able to chase someone again. But it was only skin deep. Sad? Yep. But also, relieving.
So in closing, I have finally found some peace in my life. I have finally found some COMMON ground in my life. No longer do I have to go through the "unrequited" love thing (which...UGH....WORST feeling EVERRRRRR!) Why go through that when there is someone standing right in front of me who loves me with all of his heart, and it's MUTUAL?!
SO...does this answer any of your questions? I hope so. My hands are tired, and I'm done explaining!
Over and OUT!
Let's start with the night I left him, shall we?
First of all, you should know that my leaving him came out of left field for him. He did not see it coming at all. That was my fault for making him believe that everything was perfectly fine with us. For making him believe that he had NO reason to think that I would ever leave him. Literally, a day before I left, we were hanging up pictures and figuring out where things were going to go and I believe we were even planning a housewarming party for our new apartment. A long over-due housewarming party...but it was still a party. He was happy....and I acted happy. So, you have to take that fact into consideration.
Second of all, Rick was never this out of line before. We never fought, really. I mean, sure we argued. We disagreed. But RARELY did we scream at each other. RARELY did we say things to each other we would regret later. When we would "fight", it was over little things, it didn't happen too often, and when it did, it was over in five minutes....or a few hours. But we never went to bed angry and we always made an effort to solve whatever it was we were upset about.
Notice in the above paragraph I clearly said "made an effort". I say that because had we successfully fixed the little issues, had we completely resolved them, I wouldn't be writing this blog right now because I would have never left.
About a week before I decided to leave, and you can go back and read my previous blogs through April and May and June too, you may notice that I wrote a "bucket list". I made a list of 100 things I wanted to do before I died. Now, you would think that when you made a list such as that, your significant other would be happy for you. They would support you, and they would say stuff along the lines of "I hope we can do those things together one day" right? Well, Rick's reaction was not that. He kind of rolled his eyes at a few of those things on the list and said stuff like "Alright babe, good luck with all that" but in a sarcastic tone. As if I would never accomplish those things. That scared me a bit, for two reasons. One, because I thought he would be supportive and it scared me that he wasn't, and second, because it was a big wake-up call for me. See, Rick and I had plans to marry. And when I realized that I wanted to do all these things, and I wanted him beside me to do them, but he may not be there/I wouldn't get to, it scared the crap out of me. I realized that maybe being in that serious of a relationship was too much for me at that time. There were still things I wanted to do with my life, and if he wasn't there to support me, I guess I would have to do them alone. Yea, that was a scary thought because I loved him so much! I WANTED him there.
Another reason I left was he was putting me second. We were both very depressed; we didn't have a lot of money and both of our paychecks went entirely to bills. There was NO extra, and when there was, I spent it. Shame on me, I know. But we never used the extra money to go out with each other because he was always letting what was on TV or his Mafia Wars take the place of OUR time together. He rarely sat with me on the couch. When we were at home together, we were strangers. He would sit at the chair behind me (while I was on the couch) or, out on the patio, smoking his cigarette, drinking his beer, and playing on his computer. He NEVER left his computer. EVER! So, yea, I began to feel unimportant to him. I began to feel like I came second. That our time together wasn't special to him. And I was angry.
I'm not blaming it all on him. By any means. I had my demons too. I was depressed as well, and I wasn't really happy with myself either. The point is, neither one of us was happy with ourselves, therefore it was impossible to make each other happy.
So when I finally decided to leave, it was because I wanted to go and make myself happy. I had every intention of getting back together with him, but I wanted to make sure that I was 100% happy with myself first. I made an attempt to leave twice.
The first time, it just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks one day that leaving was the only way out. That leaving was the only way to make him see that he needed to treat me better. That yea, I was in fact, LEAVING. And it HURT! You see, Rick was the first and only guy I had every LIVED with. Sure, I had spent an ungodly amount of time at my exes homes before. But NEVER had I ever shared bills and had a place of our own together. I had never spent literally EVERY night with anyone before, AND I had never been together with someone for two straight on-going years. Two straight WONDERFUL years. So yea, this wasn't just breaking up with someone. This was picking up my life as I knew it right then and changing everything. I wouldn't just be going down the block, I would be leaving the state and going back to NC. I wouldn't just be breaking up with HIM, I would be leaving the job I loved SO much, the job that I had FINALLY found absolute happiness with. Everything was changing for me.
When I had come to the conclusion, I wanted out as fast as I could and I didn't really want to have to confront him about it. I wanted to just leave. I called my mother over to help me pack. She came over, but she brought my niece and the first words out of her mouth was "Where's Uncle Rick?" Well, that right there tore me to pieces. Instead of packing, my mother just talked to me. We talked about a lot of things, a lot of which I can't remember now. But mostly, we talked about how I just needed to be 100% sure that this is what I wanted to do.
When she left, she left a lot of boxes for me to pack by myself. But I couldn't do it. I could NOT make myself pack my stuff. I kept stopping and staring at the wall. If this was something I really wanted to do, it shouldn't have been that hard, right?
So, I stopped packing and just lay on the couch for the rest of the day until he got home from work. I wasn't do anything except bawling my eyes out. I had been for a long time that day. He came home, and found me and tried to comfort me, but he thought I was crying over something else. He had NO idea what was going through my head. So when I finally just blurted it out, after beating around the bush for a while, and getting frustrated because he wasn't understanding what I was saying, I could see the devastation in his face. THAT was devastating for me in itself and only made me more upset.
Rick then began to throw stuff. Nothing of value, and nothing breakable; things like paper, pillows, clothes, etc.... He was just taking out his frustrations on THINGS. He took my keys at one point: I was notorious for just leaving and not telling him where I was going....just wanting to leave and drive around for a bit to clear my head, then come back when I felt better. And before, it would have been fine. But this time, the words "I'm leaving" came out of my mouth, so when he saw me with my keys, he freaked and took them from me. After hours and hours of trying to find them, and screaming at each other, both of us upset, both of us crying, I finally talked him into just giving me my keys. That I would be right back, I just wanted to clear my head. He very reluctantly gave them back.
I went for a very very short drive. I made it about 15 minutes down the road, when I got sick. VERY sick. I thought maybe it was because I hadn't eaten anything after stressing all day, so I stopped at a Burger King. I ate in the parking lot, and after I ate, I just sat there for a very long time. I thought about a lot of things, and then I began to feel even more sick. So I started back home.
Now, before I go any further, here is a side note. Stress is NOT good for any one's nerves or stomach, especially mine. I am one of those people who literally gets SICK if something crucial is happening in my life, sometimes even when it's a good thing. Second of all, I get car sick, especially when I'm in traffic. (I think the traffic has to do with claustrophobia) So, keep in mind, it's June. It's HOT outside, even at night. I'm on a VERY busy highway in Kissimmee, FL, about 5 minutes away from Walt Disney World. So, on top of me being stressed out because of things happening in MY life, I now have to deal with the heat, and the TRAFFIC! So, I'm nauseated because of HEAT, TRAFFIC, MOTION SICKNESS, AND MY PERSONAL LIFE. I felt like the trip home was HOURS long, even though it was about 10-15 minutes.
I couldn't get into that apartment fast enough. Plus, we lived on the second story too. So there was stair-climbing involved. I got into that apartment at about 10pm; Rick was already in bed; I'm sure he had been crying and was super upset because he NEVER went to bed that early. I went straight to the bathroom and began getting sick. Well, actually I think I was just dry-heaving which is even worse. Did I mention before that when I stopped at Burger King, I didn't finish my meal? Yea, I was so upset I couldn't eat. Rick knows how my stomach is, and he knew that I was upset. So he came in the bathroom, gave me a cold, wet cloth and took me to bed. He put a trash can by the bed and laid with me until I fell asleep. I have to say, that meant a lot. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I meant something to him.
The question of whether or not we loved each other was never applicable. We loved each other to the moon and back. We adored each other. That feeling has never gone away. But somewhere along the line, we lost sight of that. We got our priorities all mixed up, and we started to distance ourselves from one another. Sad, but true.
The next day, we talked a lot. I made him a list of things that I needed him to do for me. I asked him for a list of things he needed from me, and he refused to make one because he insisted there was NOTHING I wasn't doing already. Which, I know has to be bulls*** because I am FAR from perfect. But, he never gave me one. The next week was wonderful, on the surface. For me, inside, I was already gone. I had already made up my mind that I was leaving and there was really nothing he could do to change my mind. But I wanted to at least make an effort to try.
At the end of the week, on Friday, we went to Hollywood Studios in Walt Disney World. We had a good time (for the most part). It was VERY hot outside, and we didn't have a lot of money (we went on his free passes) so we couldn't really eat all that much. The food we did eat, well, it wasn't the best. The place we ate at, well, it was crowded. We were both extremely grumpy. By 2:00, I had had enough and I had definitely made up my mind about him. We left and I didn't speak to him all the way home.
When we got home, I had cooled off a bit. I asked him to come to the pool with me so that maybe we could cool off and relax. To my surprise, he agreed. (The pool at our apartment complex was BEAUTIFUL! It was AMAZING! I had been a few times, and every time I had asked him before, he never came. So yea, I was super surprised he had agreed this time). When we got there, it was like we had never been grumpy. I laid on my back in the pool with his hands balancing me and it was an amazing feeling. That moment was the most relaxed I think I had ever been in the entire two years. I felt safe. I felt free. I felt like he was holding me up, like he was proud of me, but in a loving way. I felt like I could do anything and be anyone. That is until the annoying girl came up.
She literally stood about 2 inches from my face. I acted like I was sleeping, which I almost had been, until she ruined it. We slowly tried to float away from her, but she followed. She talked about her DRAMA...which, let's face it, we didn't need ANY of at that point. So, I had had enough of her and I swam away. He finally got away from her and came over to me. That lasted all of five minutes and she was back again. So, we just got our stuff and left. I have to say, it was very disappointing.
When we got back to the apartment, he got right back on his computer and we were separated again. That did it for me. I was done.
The next day, I told him I was leaving again. My plan was to go to work, go back to my mothers house the next day, and then when he was at work, come back and pack everything and leave. But I couldn't go to work, I was so upset. When he came home, we had the same fight as before, only this time it was worse. He began packing my things for me and throwing them out into the hallway. He said the worst, most hurtful things to me, which only made me cry harder. I called my mom and sister and I was so hysterical I could barely speak. So, mom called my dad and dad called me (he was about 24 hours away, in New York on vacation at the time) and when I was speaking to him, I was crying so hard I could barely talk. Of course, this scared him, and it frustrated him because he couldn't do anything about it except try to calm me down.
I finally got most of my clothes and my necessities, but I couldn't get everything, for lack of space in my car. I left, and went straight to my mom's house about an hour away. All I wanted to do was sleep. I just wanted to lay my head down and sleep. Crying makes you tired by itself....when you're screaming, fighting, throwing things, hitting things, AND crying like a BABY...you know the SCREAMING cry, you're damn near EXHAUSTED. I called my work and told them the situation. They were understanding (thank god) and they told me not to worry about a thing, they would take care of covering me and all that. (See why I loved my job?)
The next day, I waited until he was at work, and I brought my mother and a couple friends with me to pack up the rest of my things. It took three cars, but we managed to get everything packed, even when it began POURING down rain in the middle of it. That was on Saturday. On Sunday, Rick called me and just wanted to talk. So we did. And it was a GREAT talk. We were on the phone for hours. He was calm, I was calm, we were listening to each other and we were understanding. It was agreed that we would keep in touch when I went back home, and that we had every intention of getting back together.
The next day, I went over to say my goodbyes. I know that was probably not the smartest thing to do because it just made us cry more. But I couldn't just leave the love of my life on a bad note like that. I couldn't leave my FAMILY of two years, my BEST FRIEND like that. I wanted him to know that I did love him, and I wanted to just be happy. That was all I wanted. That goodbye was probably the hardest goodbye ever!
During this time, I talked to all my friends and family for advice. The one thing I was worried about the most was regret and of "what if". The person I NEVER listen to, but who I love DEARLY, and listened to this time, was my favorite Aunt Taffy who said something that I will never forget. She said that no matter what I do, I will always wonder about the other option. I can't be worried about the "what ifs". She told me that I needed to stay because I couldn't live without him...not because he's a great person. If I couldn't say that I couldn't live without him, then I should probably leave. And at that point, the only thing I wanted to do was BE ALONE! I hadn't been by myself, and done my OWN thing in 5 years! And I was only 21....
The whole ride home was bittersweet. I cried, I laughed, I sang, I danced, I cried some more. But I also did a lot of thinking. I was ready to be back home with my family. I got to hit "re start" and it felt GREAT. I had a lot of things to look forward to! I was determined to make myself happy! The last time I had done this, you know, moved my life 800+ miles away, I only had three goals: To work at Disney World; to experience living on my own; and to be with the love of my life. All three had happened. One wasn't finished....
It's been five months since I left Rick. I have to say that these five months have been a BLAST. I have had a lot of laughs, I have met new people, and bonded with old friends. I have gone out on dates, I have had a couple "flings". I have been slightly heartbroken...(I mean, let's face it, I don't think I will ever be as heartbroken as I was when I left Rick....this heartbreak I speak of was just a little prick). I have learned very valuable lessons: one of which is that (and I mention this one a lotttttt) when you put someone on a pedestal and expect them to do no wrong, it's THEN that they will let you down. It's the people you never think will hurt you who hurt you the most. And to that person, I say "Thank you. We will always be friends NO MATTER what and I love YOU dearly!" I'm thankful that I was given the opportunity to be with other people, to date, because it made me realize how much I LOVE Rick. That NO one compares to him. I could be with the most PERFECT people. People who, on paper, make complete sense. Who, if it HAD worked out, we would be the picture perfect couple and would live happily ever after...but they wouldn't be RICK. They wouldn't be that man who stole my heart from the beginning, and who loves me more than life itself. That is a HORRIBLE match for me (according to paper, and astrology) but who KNOWS me inside and out, back-erds and FAR-werds, ha ha, upside down and right side up.
A couple weeks ago, I made a trip to Orlando. I wanted to get away from here, (NC), but I wanted to use my discount I got at work: $39 a night for a two bedroom SUITE on International Drive? HEEEEY!!! Well, Rick and I ended up hanging out the entire time. I have to say, it was amazing. We did nothing but talk to each other...about EVERYTHING. And I mean EVERYTHING. We rekindled our relationship, and it was then that we realized we didn't want to spend another second apart. We are both happy with ourselves now. He is back in his niche, working for the company he loves, Chili's; doing what he LOVES, and even though he's not making six-digits a year, and is struggling with bills somewhat, he is happy. It's sad to say, but I guess it's the way it is, that it took THIS...you know, me leaving, for him to realize, for US to realize what we had.
I have no doubt that Rick and I will continue to have our differences. That's what makes us US. There are things about our relationship that we can't change, no matter how hard we try. There are things about him that annoy me, and there are things about me that annoy him. But neither one of us are going to change. And that's okay. As long as we stay focused on fixing our issues, and just put each other FIRST. Do things TOGETHER instead of separate. Spend time with EACH other instead of by ourselves all the time, things will be better. They won't be perfect...they will NEVER be perfect. But they will be better. All I have to say, is that since I came home from my trip, yea I've had my doubts. I've had my fears that things won't get better. But at the same time, I have NOT been able to stop thinking about him.
One thing that kind of made up my mind:
The person I mentioned in a couple previous paragraphs before, you know, the person who hurt me...well, the other night, we had a long conversation about things. We recognized that we wanted the SAME things. We also recognized that we just can't make it work, even though if we did, it would be a good thing. But for some reason, we just can't. He said a couple things that kinda changed my mind about him....so when I left him that night, and for most of the nights following, I have tried to picture him in my life, past the honeymoon stage. And I couldn't do it. It was fuzzy for me. The more I thought about DATING him, the less appealing it was. And I realized it was because this whole time, it was the CHASE I was in love with. The THRILL. The EXCITEMENT. The fact that this was the first time in 2 years I was able to chase someone again. But it was only skin deep. Sad? Yep. But also, relieving.
So in closing, I have finally found some peace in my life. I have finally found some COMMON ground in my life. No longer do I have to go through the "unrequited" love thing (which...UGH....WORST feeling EVERRRRRR!) Why go through that when there is someone standing right in front of me who loves me with all of his heart, and it's MUTUAL?!
SO...does this answer any of your questions? I hope so. My hands are tired, and I'm done explaining!
Over and OUT!
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