I am an Aquarius: I am lively, independent, orginal, smart, and carefree....but I am also chaotic and unpredictable, which some may say are negative traits. Some people may find me "moody" and that can get pretty annoying--I understand that. On a first impression, I am charming. People love me! But then when people get to know me, they learn I am stubborn. Some learn to love that, while others break ties with me. That's okay. I am very sensitive, but at the same time, I can let things roll off my shoulder pretty easily. I guess it just depends on the situation. When I get angry, it's short lived. I try not to hold grudges. I trust everyone until they give me a reason not to trust, and once that trust is broken, it's HARD to get it back. But above all of that, and the point of this blog, I am very....very....CLUMSY!
Having said that, I will note that I have NEVER broken a bone in my life. KNOCK ON WOOD! Honestly, I have no idea how or why....but I'd like to keep it that way. I have gotten many cuts and bruises, but not one bone in my body has been broken. I am constantly dropping things, tripping over my own foot, tripping UP the stairs, losing things--I swear, if my head wasn't connected to my own body, I would lose it!
I'm sure I had a lot of them, before this one, but the first bike wreck I can remember distinctly was when I had first gotten my training wheels off. I'm guessing I was about 5. Our backyard had a slight incline that dad used for me to start on top and kinda "glide" my way to the bottom. This was to teach me "balance". He would stay behind me and hold on, running alongside me. Well, one day, I got brave. I said "Daddy, don't hold onto me. I've got this!" So, he let me go. I guess the steering lesson hadn't been taught yet, because I just kinda went off to the left...and I crashed right INTO a bush and UNDER our back porch. Luckily I had a helmet on cause I hit my head pretty hard on the porch. I don't remember what happened after that except that my mom told daddy OFF! I remember him coming back at her with something along the lines of "Would you be QUIET?! She's FINE!" haha....I don't remember crying that day....I think I was more shocked about my parents fighting...cause they didn't do it too much--well, in front of me anyway. I got away with a couple scrapes, but nothing major. Needless to say, my next bicycle lesson was on "steering". =)
I had a few bicycle wrecks of course, after I learned how to ride completely by myself. But the weirdest, most bizarre, yet FUNNIEST one was when I was about 10 or 12. My best friend, Julianna, and I were riding in her grandmother's neighborhood. The neighborhood had a lot of hills and curves...and I was riding her aunt's old bicycle. But, even those factors didn't have anything to do with the worst bicycle "wreck" ever. We had stopped to rest for a minute....and I just kinda tipped over. I wasn't even MOVING! But the bike was heavy, and the pedal dug into my ankle DEEP! I was screaming at the sight of blood--and cause it hurt!--and she was crackin up! When she finally realized that I was actually hurt, she sped off as fast as she could to get her grandmother. I guess I got tired of waiting because I walked with my bike--actually LIMPED--back to the house. It took 4 bandaids to stop the bleeding! I still get teased to this day for that....
Now, not all my clumsiness has to do with bicycles. When I was about 10 or 11, I was at Rosman's Champion Pool with my summer camp. That pool was weird because in the shallow end, the side of the pool is "carpeted" and the deep end is just concrete. I was trying to get out of the pool on the side from the deep end and my friend Josie was helping me. Well, she was grabbing my legs too hard I guess so I told her to let go. Well, when she let go, I let go and when I let go, I lost my balance. My chin hit the side of the concrete--HARD--and I got back into the pool. It hurt, and I bit my tongue but I didn't think too much of it. Until Josie told me I should probably go to the bathroom and check out my chin. Well, I did. And I FLIPPED OUT! I had a HUGE gash in my chin that was bleeding perfusely! I ran to my favorite counselor, Emily, and she basically rocked me to relax on the picnic table, while soothing my chin with a cold paper towel while they got in touch with my mother. They scared me because they told me I may have to get stitches! My mom about had a fit that they had told me that--she was a nurse and knew that the cut was deep, but not that deep. I just needed a butterfly bandage and I would be good to go. So, when she came to get me, we went to the drugstore and got one. Needless to say, I didn't try to get out of the pool from the side in the deep end ANYMORE!
But, NOTHING can top the night I was trying to cheer my mother up with a toboggan and a pencil. I was about 13 or 14. For some reason, she was pretty down in the dumps. It was towards the end of my parent's marriage...and it was a sad time. One night, she was lying on our living room couch facing the window. Her favorite movie is "The Little Rascals", and one of the characters in that movie's name is "Uh Huh". He wears a tobaggon all the time, and constantly has a pencil stuck up his nose. So, I decided to immitate that. I put a pencil (eraser side up) in my nose, got my Beauty and the Beast toboggan and crawled into the living room. I said, "Mama, ask me a question that have to say "yes" to". So, she asked me if I liked chicken tenders (or something) and I said "UH-HUH!" For some reason, that got her attention (gladly....hence the plan!) and she turned around and looked at me. We both started cracking up! Well, I was sitting on my knees, and when I started laughing, I bent down....and the pencil was SHOVED up my nose. I heard a crack, and pulled the pencil out. When I sat back up, I put my hands over my face and blood began pouring out from between my fingers. (Still cracking up, though). My mom basically fell off the couch and grabbed me, laying me back (still, cracking up!) and through laughs, yelled at my dad to bring her a wet wash cloth QUICKLY! So, he came into the living room first to see what the heck was so funny, and to see why she needed a wet washcloth so badly. When he saw the blood, he FREAKED! He didn't understand why we were laughing....and he just looked at my mom like "Pam! Our baby girl is BLEEDING! And you're CRACKING UP!" haha He was MAD! So I assured him that I was fine, but I could really use that wet washcloth right about now. I never saw him hurry so fast to that kitchen! To this day, when I bring up that story, he leaves the room. Geez dad, have a sense of humor!
I will say that my pain tolerance is pretty high. Usually, when I get hurt, when I SHOULD be crying, I'm laughing. Nomatter if I'm falling down the ramp at school, or busting my BUTT in the foyer at home during a snow storm because it's so slick, I usually always somehow find the humor in my pain. I have run into screen doors, walls; you should see my legs. You would think I've been abused all my life....and I have. By myself and foreign objects.
Worst bruise ever? This past January. I was still living in Florida. Florida gets PRETTY dang windy sometimes, especially in winter. Well, I was in the drive-thru at McDonalds one morning and all I had on me was a $100 bill. I gave it to the cashier and she DROPPED IT! It began flying away, and of course I'm freaking out because that's all the money I have! So, I jump out of my Ford Escape and start to go get the money, but I had forgotten to put the car in PARK....and there's a car in front of me! So, I try to stop the car with my own body weight by pushing the drivers seat as hard as I could...obviously a 130 lb me cannot stop a 5 ton mini SUV...so I basically dive into my floorboard, press the brake as hard as I can and put the car in park. Probably not so good to immediately put the car in park so quickly, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I got the money back, but not before I saw how hard the cashier and her little friend behind me in her car was laughing at me (yea, that pissed me off....one of the things I did not like about Orlando...the lack of friendliness...but that's another topic for another day). I paid for my meal and left. Of course I was shaking the rest of the drive to work, but I didn't think anything of it. I had gotten a little scrape on my side from where I had dove into the car, which turned into a monstrous bruise the size of my fist.
Luckily, I haven't had anymore huge injuries since that....and I have yet to break a bone...(again, KNOCK ON WOOD) But I am very clumsy. But I have to say that I think those clumsy times in my life taught me a lot of lessons, as they do most children. My hand-eye coordination back then and to this day is ZERO. I tried playing softball in Middle School, as well as Church league Basketball. Yea, neither one worked out too well. But I like it that way. It makes me different and it makes me who I am. So what if I can't walk in a straight line or dribble a basketball properly, those are my quirks. I used to have a problem with it when I was younger, because I wasn't like the "cool" kids who played sports....but as I've gotten older, I have learned to embrace my imperfections with GRACE! I have learned that being "perfect" is overrated and boring. God made us all different for a reason, and it's up to us to accept our imperfections and be ourselves! Whether we're a little on the clumsy side, our teeth are a little crooked, or we feel like we're abnormally short or tall, those things make the world go round! So, HOORAY for the CLUMSY PEOPLE!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Wake Up, Sleepyhead! Your Life Is A-Callin'!
As most of you know, I have an amazing job with Hampton Inn. I work both Front Desk 3 days out of the week and Breakfast Bar 2 days out of the week. I am off on Mondays and Fridays. I work the morning shift either 5:45am-noon-ish or 7am-3pm, and one day of the five I work evening shift, 3pm-11pm. I love this schedule. It's a fixed schedule, so I am open to make plans whenever I want. I love knowing what my schedule will most likely be three weeks from now.
However I have to say that my sleep patterns have definitely changed. I am 21 years old, so for the past 3 years I have gone to bed late, and woken up late. My day hasn't started until 11am or later and hasn't ended until the wee hours of the next morning. It was fun, sure. But my days were GONE. Try running errands and getting it all done in time with a schedule like that. Most places of importance (bank, DMV, Library, etc...) close at 5 or 6pm. So trying to get everything I needed to get done in 5 hours was almost impossible, and sometimes, I had to prioritize by doing the MOST important things one day and having to put of the other things for the next day.
These days, I'm waking up at 5 or 6 am going to work, and getting off at a decent hour. I then have the rest of my day to do whatever needs to be done, or simply just hang out. I don't get to stay out super late anymore, unless it's a Thursday or Saturday night. But I think I like it that way. Keeps money in my pocket =) I feel so good physically!
This brings me to my next point. I have a few friends, ages vary, who don't wake up until 11 or 12, still. It's interesting looking at them, seeing how tired they are and seeing that that is exactly what I used to look like. Granted these friends have jobs that require them to work late, so they are tired. I get that. But then, there are the friends who don't have a job and just sleep all the time. Now, I was there a 2 months ago, so I don't have much room to criticize. But all I'm saying is being able to wake up and feel energized no later than 8:30am these days feels so freaking good! I have lost weight, I have more energy, and I feel happier!
Sure, getting up at the butt crack of dawn isn't fun. It's not. Who wants to wake up when it's still dark and cold outside? Get out of that warm, cuddly bed? No one. Unless they're used to it. On the days I'm off, yea, I sleep! But my brain clock will not let me sleep past 8:30am.
So I'm giving you a challenge: Try setting your alarm for a whole week for 7:30 or 8:30 at the latest. Or, if you really wanna be bold, set it for 5:30. Even if you have nowhere to be, get up. Get in the shower, take time getting yourself ready. EAT BREAKFAST! Read the newspaper or watch the early morning news. (They have some interesting stuff on the A.M. news). See what the weather will be like that day. If you're religious, spend a little time with God. Read a devotional or a passage in your Bible. Maybe take a run or do some kind of exercise. Try not to get on Facebook because as we all know, it's super addicting and a big waste of time, if you really think about it. You get on it at 6 and then 5 minutes later you look and it's already 10. It happens.
WAKE UP, SLEEPYHEAD! YOUR LIFE IS A-CALLIN'!I promise! You will feel SO much better both physically and mentally. Take it from a girl who NEVER woke up before 11:30am for the past 3 years unless I absolutely had to. You will see an amazing change in the way you feel in a week or two. And you will thank me!
However I have to say that my sleep patterns have definitely changed. I am 21 years old, so for the past 3 years I have gone to bed late, and woken up late. My day hasn't started until 11am or later and hasn't ended until the wee hours of the next morning. It was fun, sure. But my days were GONE. Try running errands and getting it all done in time with a schedule like that. Most places of importance (bank, DMV, Library, etc...) close at 5 or 6pm. So trying to get everything I needed to get done in 5 hours was almost impossible, and sometimes, I had to prioritize by doing the MOST important things one day and having to put of the other things for the next day.
These days, I'm waking up at 5 or 6 am going to work, and getting off at a decent hour. I then have the rest of my day to do whatever needs to be done, or simply just hang out. I don't get to stay out super late anymore, unless it's a Thursday or Saturday night. But I think I like it that way. Keeps money in my pocket =) I feel so good physically!
This brings me to my next point. I have a few friends, ages vary, who don't wake up until 11 or 12, still. It's interesting looking at them, seeing how tired they are and seeing that that is exactly what I used to look like. Granted these friends have jobs that require them to work late, so they are tired. I get that. But then, there are the friends who don't have a job and just sleep all the time. Now, I was there a 2 months ago, so I don't have much room to criticize. But all I'm saying is being able to wake up and feel energized no later than 8:30am these days feels so freaking good! I have lost weight, I have more energy, and I feel happier!
Sure, getting up at the butt crack of dawn isn't fun. It's not. Who wants to wake up when it's still dark and cold outside? Get out of that warm, cuddly bed? No one. Unless they're used to it. On the days I'm off, yea, I sleep! But my brain clock will not let me sleep past 8:30am.
So I'm giving you a challenge: Try setting your alarm for a whole week for 7:30 or 8:30 at the latest. Or, if you really wanna be bold, set it for 5:30. Even if you have nowhere to be, get up. Get in the shower, take time getting yourself ready. EAT BREAKFAST! Read the newspaper or watch the early morning news. (They have some interesting stuff on the A.M. news). See what the weather will be like that day. If you're religious, spend a little time with God. Read a devotional or a passage in your Bible. Maybe take a run or do some kind of exercise. Try not to get on Facebook because as we all know, it's super addicting and a big waste of time, if you really think about it. You get on it at 6 and then 5 minutes later you look and it's already 10. It happens.
WAKE UP, SLEEPYHEAD! YOUR LIFE IS A-CALLIN'!I promise! You will feel SO much better both physically and mentally. Take it from a girl who NEVER woke up before 11:30am for the past 3 years unless I absolutely had to. You will see an amazing change in the way you feel in a week or two. And you will thank me!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
To Forgive, Or Not Forgive....THAT Is The Question
My whole life, I have always been a very forgiving person. On the playground in grade school, when someone would push me down or make fun of me, it was okay. They were still my friend and I'd still hug on them and treat them as if they were the most wonderful person in the world.
When someone that I care about mistreats me, I have always turned the other cheek and let them do it again. Over and over. Swearing up and down that it was okay, forgiveness is the "Christian" thing to do. Forgiveness is just in my blood...it's what I do. People think I'm crazy sometimes, but I guess forgiving people just comes natural to me.
But I have gotten to the point where I am sick and tired of people walking all over me and getting away with it. For 21 years, I have been the "sweet, forgiving one" and everyone has known that if they mistreat me, it's probably okay because 99% of the time, I'm going to forgive you. So no worries. Who cares about my feelings?
Since I have been back home, I have learned to stand up for myself more and more. I have to say it feels amazing. Being forgiving and sweet and nice is all well and good, but there comes a time when you just have to say "Screw you! You hurt me! You're not getting away with it!"
I am done with people disrespecting me. I am done with people mistreating me. I am done with people taking advantage of me. Will I forgive the people who hurt me? Yea, eventually. But say goodbye to Miss. Forgiving-After-Five-Minutes. Try five days, five weeks, five months, or maybe five years. A person can only take so much.
I have always been a people pleaser, a peace maker, a mediator. I have always been the one that will bend over backwards, forwards, and sideways for the people in my life, nomatter how close we are to one another. I have always been the "GOOD FRIEND". And yea, I have enjoyed being the one that everyone loved. I have enjoyed being there for my friends. But it's time to look out for ME now. It's time for ME to get the same treatment I have been giving for YEARS. What about ME?
I am only human; I am not God. All people in the world are not my children. So forgiving people shouldn't be as easy as it is for me. And from now on, it won't be. I am exhausted. I am just TIRED of being "nice".
What really gets me is the very people who have told for x amount of years that I have known them, "Lia, you HAVE to stand up for yourself. You can't let people walk all over you" are the very people who get angry when I stand up to them because THEY are the ones that are hurting or disrespecting me. Haha. Interesting.
Anyway, point is, it's hard for me to NOT forgive the people that I care about. But I have got to start looking out for myself now. Being the nice one is over and done with. I'm done.
When someone that I care about mistreats me, I have always turned the other cheek and let them do it again. Over and over. Swearing up and down that it was okay, forgiveness is the "Christian" thing to do. Forgiveness is just in my blood...it's what I do. People think I'm crazy sometimes, but I guess forgiving people just comes natural to me.
But I have gotten to the point where I am sick and tired of people walking all over me and getting away with it. For 21 years, I have been the "sweet, forgiving one" and everyone has known that if they mistreat me, it's probably okay because 99% of the time, I'm going to forgive you. So no worries. Who cares about my feelings?
Since I have been back home, I have learned to stand up for myself more and more. I have to say it feels amazing. Being forgiving and sweet and nice is all well and good, but there comes a time when you just have to say "Screw you! You hurt me! You're not getting away with it!"
I am done with people disrespecting me. I am done with people mistreating me. I am done with people taking advantage of me. Will I forgive the people who hurt me? Yea, eventually. But say goodbye to Miss. Forgiving-After-Five-Minutes. Try five days, five weeks, five months, or maybe five years. A person can only take so much.
I have always been a people pleaser, a peace maker, a mediator. I have always been the one that will bend over backwards, forwards, and sideways for the people in my life, nomatter how close we are to one another. I have always been the "GOOD FRIEND". And yea, I have enjoyed being the one that everyone loved. I have enjoyed being there for my friends. But it's time to look out for ME now. It's time for ME to get the same treatment I have been giving for YEARS. What about ME?
I am only human; I am not God. All people in the world are not my children. So forgiving people shouldn't be as easy as it is for me. And from now on, it won't be. I am exhausted. I am just TIRED of being "nice".
What really gets me is the very people who have told for x amount of years that I have known them, "Lia, you HAVE to stand up for yourself. You can't let people walk all over you" are the very people who get angry when I stand up to them because THEY are the ones that are hurting or disrespecting me. Haha. Interesting.
Anyway, point is, it's hard for me to NOT forgive the people that I care about. But I have got to start looking out for myself now. Being the nice one is over and done with. I'm done.
Only A Southerner....
I was looking through some emails I have gotten in the past and I came across this one. If you are a true southerner, you will appreciate this!
Only A Southerner...
...knows the difference between a HISSY fit and a CONIPTION fit and you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
...how many fish, turnip greens, collard greens, peas, beans, etc. make up a "mess"
...can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder"
...knows exactly how long "directly" is as in: "Going to town, be back directly"
...even southern babies know that "gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table
...exactly when "by and by" is. They may not use the term, but they know the concept well
...knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
...grows up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far peice". They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
...both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash
...would never assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn
...knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb
...make friends while standing in lines, and when we're "in line", we talk to everybody
...put 100 southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage
...knows that in the south, ya'll is singular and ya'lls is plural
...knows grits come from corn and how to eat them
...tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food
...knows when you hear someone say "Well I caught myself lookin...", you know you are in the presence of a genuine southerner
...says "sweet tea" and "sweet milk". Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it--we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
...knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 mph on the freeway. You just say "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your southerness: take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you are still having a hard time understanding all this southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on southerness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the south but have lived here for a long time, all ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I ain't from the south but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!
Only A Southerner...
...knows the difference between a HISSY fit and a CONIPTION fit and you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
...how many fish, turnip greens, collard greens, peas, beans, etc. make up a "mess"
...can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder"
...knows exactly how long "directly" is as in: "Going to town, be back directly"
...even southern babies know that "gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table
...exactly when "by and by" is. They may not use the term, but they know the concept well
...knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
...grows up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far peice". They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
...both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash
...would never assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn
...knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb
...make friends while standing in lines, and when we're "in line", we talk to everybody
...put 100 southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage
...knows that in the south, ya'll is singular and ya'lls is plural
...knows grits come from corn and how to eat them
...tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food
...knows when you hear someone say "Well I caught myself lookin...", you know you are in the presence of a genuine southerner
...says "sweet tea" and "sweet milk". Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it--we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
...knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 mph on the freeway. You just say "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your southerness: take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you are still having a hard time understanding all this southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on southerness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the south but have lived here for a long time, all ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I ain't from the south but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
HAPPY Girls Are The PRETTIEST
I have had a BLAST the past few nights. I am in a HAPPY place in my life right now and I wouldn't trade it for a thing. Sure there is plenty of room for improvement, such as hopefully moving out of my parents house soon and getting my own place...but, on the upside, things are great. I finally have a regular paycheck starting to come in. I can finally go have a drink after work if I want to. I can go buy that new shirt I saw that I really wanted if I so choose. I got a pedicure yesterday....do have to say it wasn't the best I've ever gotten, but it was still a treat. I do have days where the loneliness gets to me, but the past few days, I have completely forgotten about the loneliness. It's been GREAT!
I've met some new friends too: Kenny and Eric. Two AWESOME guys who I just love hanging out with. I made friends with someone I NEVER thought I would be friends with, and I've let go of a bit of POISON in my life as well. I got to speak to my "long-lost" sister a few nights ago, which was wonderful.
I knew that when I finally got settled into a new job (which I actually just got a second job within the same company, which equals more hours, which equals full time, which equals more pay and benefits =) I knew I would be happier and feel better about myself. School is kind of on hold at the moment because I'm waiting on a response from my professor to help me finish this one chapter I've been stuck on....but for the most part, I'm doing very well. I'm finally able to really look at myself in the mirror and smile, and I'm beginning to feel that love for myself I've talked about feeling for so long.
I do have to say that reading "Eat Pray Love" has helped me out a lot too. It's an excellent book...I'm reading it much slower than usual but, I think this way I'm getting more out of it. If you didn't read my last blog about the book, it's basically about a woman who is on this journey to find herself, much like me. Only her journey is in Italy, Indonesia, and India. Reading this book, and knowing that I am not alone, has helped me tremendously.
I know my past few blogs have followed a specific theme about how men suck! For that, I am not sorry. I still have a bit of that feeling still. But, I'm beginning to slowly stop caring. Well, not completely. I do still care somewhat. But I'm just starting to stop taking guys so seriously. Believe me, it feels very relieving!
I have lost a bit of weight, so much in fact that I went shopping a couple days ago and bought a pair of pants that usually would have fit pretty perfectly. Took them home and found out REAL quick they were way too big. So, the next day I took them back and exchanged for a smaller size. I grabbed the next size under, and a size under THAT just in case, but not really expecting to be in the smallest size. Sure enough though, when I tried on the smallest size, it fit me perfectly. AHH! I was SO excited! So on top of me being happy mentally, I feel great physically as well. I recently got a CHEAP hair cut and dyed my hair back to DARK. When I say cheap, I mean well-priced, not a bad job. She actually did a FANTASTIC job!
So, to wrap it all up, I feel great in every aspect of my life at the moment. Yes, there is room for improvement, but I'm not doing too shabby =)
I've met some new friends too: Kenny and Eric. Two AWESOME guys who I just love hanging out with. I made friends with someone I NEVER thought I would be friends with, and I've let go of a bit of POISON in my life as well. I got to speak to my "long-lost" sister a few nights ago, which was wonderful.
I knew that when I finally got settled into a new job (which I actually just got a second job within the same company, which equals more hours, which equals full time, which equals more pay and benefits =) I knew I would be happier and feel better about myself. School is kind of on hold at the moment because I'm waiting on a response from my professor to help me finish this one chapter I've been stuck on....but for the most part, I'm doing very well. I'm finally able to really look at myself in the mirror and smile, and I'm beginning to feel that love for myself I've talked about feeling for so long.
I do have to say that reading "Eat Pray Love" has helped me out a lot too. It's an excellent book...I'm reading it much slower than usual but, I think this way I'm getting more out of it. If you didn't read my last blog about the book, it's basically about a woman who is on this journey to find herself, much like me. Only her journey is in Italy, Indonesia, and India. Reading this book, and knowing that I am not alone, has helped me tremendously.
I know my past few blogs have followed a specific theme about how men suck! For that, I am not sorry. I still have a bit of that feeling still. But, I'm beginning to slowly stop caring. Well, not completely. I do still care somewhat. But I'm just starting to stop taking guys so seriously. Believe me, it feels very relieving!
I have lost a bit of weight, so much in fact that I went shopping a couple days ago and bought a pair of pants that usually would have fit pretty perfectly. Took them home and found out REAL quick they were way too big. So, the next day I took them back and exchanged for a smaller size. I grabbed the next size under, and a size under THAT just in case, but not really expecting to be in the smallest size. Sure enough though, when I tried on the smallest size, it fit me perfectly. AHH! I was SO excited! So on top of me being happy mentally, I feel great physically as well. I recently got a CHEAP hair cut and dyed my hair back to DARK. When I say cheap, I mean well-priced, not a bad job. She actually did a FANTASTIC job!
So, to wrap it all up, I feel great in every aspect of my life at the moment. Yes, there is room for improvement, but I'm not doing too shabby =)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Random Thoughts Of People From Our Generation
I have posted this on FB before, but it's so funny I had to post it again!
Have a good laugh =)
1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. That's enough, Nickelback.
7. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
10.. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
11. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
Examples: I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse) ..ummm ...Goonies"
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
34. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
35. Bad decisions make good stories
36. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
37. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
38. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
39.. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
40. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
41. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
42. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
43. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
44. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
45. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
51. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
52. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
53. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
54. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
55. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
56. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
57. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
58. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
59. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
60. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
61. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Have a good laugh =)
1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. That's enough, Nickelback.
7. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
10.. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
11. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
Examples: I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse) ..ummm ...Goonies"
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
34. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
35. Bad decisions make good stories
36. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
37. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
38. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
39.. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
40. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
41. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
42. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
43. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
44. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
45. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
51. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
52. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
53. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
54. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
55. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
56. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
57. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
58. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
59. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
60. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
61. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Monday, September 6, 2010
"I Think I Deserve Something BEAUTIFUL"
I have been reading the AMAZING book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, which is now a motion picture starring one of my favorite actresses, Julia Roberts (that I have yet to see, but want to BAD!) I'm only a few chapters in, but I think I really needed to read it.
Lately, as I talked about in my last blog, I have been feeling some intense loneliness. It's because I have basically lost complete faith in my close friendships. People have disappointed me, hurt me, left me at my lowest, and I just can't seem to get back on track. I can't seem to find the ability to trust in people anymore. The past few nights, I have done a lot of thinking and I figured out that as much as I thought I wanted to be alone, to FIND myself, I never knew just how difficult that would be. I'm not used to loneliness, and I never have adapted to change easily, so I guess I don't know what to do with myself.
My point in writing this, and in bringing up the book, is because Gilbert brought up a lot of good points. The book is a true story, based on her journey to Italy, India, and Indonesia. In the book, she is a newly divorcee who is just trying to find herself. She goes on a journey to find pleasure in Italy, devotion in Indonesia and balance between the two in India. If I could afford a journey like this, I would definitely be on it now.
One of my favorite quotes and the one I relate to very well at the moment is ""When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Li[a]! Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."
I loved this quote because like I said before, I have been so lonely the past few days, I don't even recognize myself. I never knew how much I hated being alone until now. I like my alone time, but I guess I miss having someone there that I can run to when things are bad, and even when things are going great. As I said in my last blog, things with ME personally are awesome....great job...awesome grades in school....things are good. I just miss the companionship. Not even really being in a RELATIONSHIP, but just knowing that I have a best friend there that we can lean on each other....But she's right. When I get lonely now, I need to just suck it up and learn to be lonely. Learn to be on my own. There will come a day when I will be old and decrepit and I will really have no one left to lean on. That will be the day that my skills of loneliness will really come into effect. And I need to stop using other people as a "scratching post" as she put it. Other people are not responsible for my happiness; that rests on my shoulders. This is a fact I have come to learn the hard way. No one can make you genuinely happy except yourself. But having someone there does help the process....
Anyway, I digress. On to the next quote.
"I am here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you could ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."
It was nice knowing that at one time in my life, very recently, someone felt that exact way about me. And I miss it. But in this context, Gilbert is talking about looking at herself in the mirror and finding that person in HERSELF. Loving HERSELF that way. When I started this "journey" of mine, my one goal was to fall in love with myself again, and it still is. But it gets harder when you have very little support around you, which is something that I've always had. But perhaps that is part of it. You can't really learn to love yourself and depend on only you if you constantly have people around you. This is how I yearn to feel about myself! As cliche as it is, the quote "No one said it would be easy; they just promised it would be worth it" really comes into play. None of this is EASY. If it were easy, I would have done it a long time ago, along with many other people.
In my past relationships with men, I have been the frog in the boiling water, so to speak. It's a fact that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, he will jump out immediately. But if you put a frog in a pot of water, and slowly start boiling it, the frog will stay in the pot until it boils to death. The same goes for relationships. If you start a relationship and it's bad in the beginning, you will get out of it. But if you start a relationship and it's wonderful in the beginning, it's comfortable, it's fun, amazing, loving, etc....you will stay in that relationship until you're dead to yourself. Until it takes extraordinary measures to get out. Because you don't notice the relationship getting bad. Other people around you notice it but you don't. You get used to it. Much like the frog in the water. He gets used to the heat, and before he knows it, he's dead. In my past relationships, I have been the main caregiver, emotionally. I have loved and cared and supported and protected until I was dead to myself. This brings me to my next favorite quote:
"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself, and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
It's like she read my mind. The past two serious relationships I've had, as I said before, were wonderful in the beginning. They were exciting and passionate and I couldn't get enough. The first happened on it's own, as normal relationships do. I bent over backwards and sideways for him. Gave him every part of me possible and basically sacrificed myself for him. All around me, even people closer to him, warned me over and over. They thought I was crazy for putting up with him, but praised me for being strong enough to do it. I kept telling myself it would get better....he would change. I refused to give up, to "quit" because I wasn't a quitter. After a while, I began to realize that "quitting" would be just fine. It wouldn't mean I was weak, but that I loved myself enough to get out before I was heart broken. Not saying that leaving wasn't hard, AND heart breaking because it was. It took me over two years to get that person completely out of my mind.
The second relationship started out as the "infatuation" mentioned in the above quote. I wanted an easy way out of the first, and when the second came along, I was immediately infatuated with him. He showed me how I should be treated. He showed me what happiness really looked like, and everything seemed perfect. I had every intention of marrying him. EVERY intention. Down to the price of the wedding and what my wedding gown would look like. We were together for two years, and he is still close to me. Despite the things that happened in our relationship, I still care about him.
But I am at a point in my life where going back and forth and back and forth will not suffice. As I mentioned in one of my blogs before, the person I spend the rest of my life with needs to be everything from the beginning. Sure, it won't always be perfect. But the foundation, the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, should NEVER go away. I don't mind giving everything I have in a relationship, or doing everything the above quote says, because really, that's how I love anyway. As long as those things are being reciprocated. As long as I am being treated the exact same way. I have come to learn that relationships are 50/50. They should never be 70/30, 20/80 90/10 or even 60/40. They should always be equal, no if's and's or but's.
This is a long one, but again, I can relate to it so well.
"I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self."
I don't believe I need to "analyze" this quote much because it speaks for itself. I have become addicted to a few people in my life, and I hate to admit it, but I am on the brink of addiction now. I refuse to cross over into addiction because I can recognize it now and prevent it from going further.
"I thought about one of my favorite Sufi poems, which says that God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now. I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen."
Something I have to remind myself over and over again is that everything happens for a reason. Nothing in my life or in YOUR life is an accident. Before we were born, God constructed a "blue print", if you will, of our lives. He designed a map and knew exactly what we would do, when we would do it, how we would do it, who we would do it with. Nothing in our lives is a mistake, and everything in our lives has a purpose. Our lives are a series of events strung together and at the end of our lives, we find the meaning of it all. It's like a scavenger hunt. It's just a matter of finding happiness in the good things, and finding our way through the bad, still squeazing every ounce of joy from them we can possibly find.
Last but not least, this quote sums up exactly how I feel about love.
"Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark."
When you find that person that you want to fall in love with, that you want to share your life with, there are no guarentees that everything will always be peachy. It's a leap of faith, a leap that you must take together, with no boundaries. No briberies, no conditions. I believe that you can only truly be in love and completely in sync with someone when there are no more walls up. It is then that you can truly appreciate that person to the fullest.
So, is being lonely hard? Yes. But, if I must do it, then I will. It will only make me stronger and wiser. When I finally do come to that point in my life when "true love" shows up, I will appreciate it that much more because I know the difference between true love and infatuation, and I can only truly be in love with someone when I am in love with myself first! "I Think I Deserve Something Beautiful"? No, I'm pretty sure I DO!
My point in writing this, and in bringing up the book, is because Gilbert brought up a lot of good points. The book is a true story, based on her journey to Italy, India, and Indonesia. In the book, she is a newly divorcee who is just trying to find herself. She goes on a journey to find pleasure in Italy, devotion in Indonesia and balance between the two in India. If I could afford a journey like this, I would definitely be on it now.
One of my favorite quotes and the one I relate to very well at the moment is ""When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Li[a]! Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."
I loved this quote because like I said before, I have been so lonely the past few days, I don't even recognize myself. I never knew how much I hated being alone until now. I like my alone time, but I guess I miss having someone there that I can run to when things are bad, and even when things are going great. As I said in my last blog, things with ME personally are awesome....great job...awesome grades in school....things are good. I just miss the companionship. Not even really being in a RELATIONSHIP, but just knowing that I have a best friend there that we can lean on each other....But she's right. When I get lonely now, I need to just suck it up and learn to be lonely. Learn to be on my own. There will come a day when I will be old and decrepit and I will really have no one left to lean on. That will be the day that my skills of loneliness will really come into effect. And I need to stop using other people as a "scratching post" as she put it. Other people are not responsible for my happiness; that rests on my shoulders. This is a fact I have come to learn the hard way. No one can make you genuinely happy except yourself. But having someone there does help the process....
Anyway, I digress. On to the next quote.
"I am here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you could ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."
It was nice knowing that at one time in my life, very recently, someone felt that exact way about me. And I miss it. But in this context, Gilbert is talking about looking at herself in the mirror and finding that person in HERSELF. Loving HERSELF that way. When I started this "journey" of mine, my one goal was to fall in love with myself again, and it still is. But it gets harder when you have very little support around you, which is something that I've always had. But perhaps that is part of it. You can't really learn to love yourself and depend on only you if you constantly have people around you. This is how I yearn to feel about myself! As cliche as it is, the quote "No one said it would be easy; they just promised it would be worth it" really comes into play. None of this is EASY. If it were easy, I would have done it a long time ago, along with many other people.
In my past relationships with men, I have been the frog in the boiling water, so to speak. It's a fact that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, he will jump out immediately. But if you put a frog in a pot of water, and slowly start boiling it, the frog will stay in the pot until it boils to death. The same goes for relationships. If you start a relationship and it's bad in the beginning, you will get out of it. But if you start a relationship and it's wonderful in the beginning, it's comfortable, it's fun, amazing, loving, etc....you will stay in that relationship until you're dead to yourself. Until it takes extraordinary measures to get out. Because you don't notice the relationship getting bad. Other people around you notice it but you don't. You get used to it. Much like the frog in the water. He gets used to the heat, and before he knows it, he's dead. In my past relationships, I have been the main caregiver, emotionally. I have loved and cared and supported and protected until I was dead to myself. This brings me to my next favorite quote:
"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself, and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
It's like she read my mind. The past two serious relationships I've had, as I said before, were wonderful in the beginning. They were exciting and passionate and I couldn't get enough. The first happened on it's own, as normal relationships do. I bent over backwards and sideways for him. Gave him every part of me possible and basically sacrificed myself for him. All around me, even people closer to him, warned me over and over. They thought I was crazy for putting up with him, but praised me for being strong enough to do it. I kept telling myself it would get better....he would change. I refused to give up, to "quit" because I wasn't a quitter. After a while, I began to realize that "quitting" would be just fine. It wouldn't mean I was weak, but that I loved myself enough to get out before I was heart broken. Not saying that leaving wasn't hard, AND heart breaking because it was. It took me over two years to get that person completely out of my mind.
The second relationship started out as the "infatuation" mentioned in the above quote. I wanted an easy way out of the first, and when the second came along, I was immediately infatuated with him. He showed me how I should be treated. He showed me what happiness really looked like, and everything seemed perfect. I had every intention of marrying him. EVERY intention. Down to the price of the wedding and what my wedding gown would look like. We were together for two years, and he is still close to me. Despite the things that happened in our relationship, I still care about him.
But I am at a point in my life where going back and forth and back and forth will not suffice. As I mentioned in one of my blogs before, the person I spend the rest of my life with needs to be everything from the beginning. Sure, it won't always be perfect. But the foundation, the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, should NEVER go away. I don't mind giving everything I have in a relationship, or doing everything the above quote says, because really, that's how I love anyway. As long as those things are being reciprocated. As long as I am being treated the exact same way. I have come to learn that relationships are 50/50. They should never be 70/30, 20/80 90/10 or even 60/40. They should always be equal, no if's and's or but's.
This is a long one, but again, I can relate to it so well.
"I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self."
I don't believe I need to "analyze" this quote much because it speaks for itself. I have become addicted to a few people in my life, and I hate to admit it, but I am on the brink of addiction now. I refuse to cross over into addiction because I can recognize it now and prevent it from going further.
"I thought about one of my favorite Sufi poems, which says that God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now. I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen."
Something I have to remind myself over and over again is that everything happens for a reason. Nothing in my life or in YOUR life is an accident. Before we were born, God constructed a "blue print", if you will, of our lives. He designed a map and knew exactly what we would do, when we would do it, how we would do it, who we would do it with. Nothing in our lives is a mistake, and everything in our lives has a purpose. Our lives are a series of events strung together and at the end of our lives, we find the meaning of it all. It's like a scavenger hunt. It's just a matter of finding happiness in the good things, and finding our way through the bad, still squeazing every ounce of joy from them we can possibly find.
Last but not least, this quote sums up exactly how I feel about love.
"Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark."
When you find that person that you want to fall in love with, that you want to share your life with, there are no guarentees that everything will always be peachy. It's a leap of faith, a leap that you must take together, with no boundaries. No briberies, no conditions. I believe that you can only truly be in love and completely in sync with someone when there are no more walls up. It is then that you can truly appreciate that person to the fullest.
So, is being lonely hard? Yes. But, if I must do it, then I will. It will only make me stronger and wiser. When I finally do come to that point in my life when "true love" shows up, I will appreciate it that much more because I know the difference between true love and infatuation, and I can only truly be in love with someone when I am in love with myself first! "I Think I Deserve Something Beautiful"? No, I'm pretty sure I DO!
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