I don't know if it's just in the generations from baby boomers and on, (cause that's where I've seen it the most) but proper etiquette has been fading quite rapidly. Let me stop and go ahead and define what the word etiquette is, so that I'm perfectly clear on what I'm talking about.
et-i-quette [et-i-kit]- conventional requirements as to social behavior.
(in other words, it's a code of how to behave in public)
For example, your mother taught you how to chew with your mouth closed, right? How to sit at a table without your elbows on top? Well, I guess I should know that the answer for most people my age is NO...tisk tisk. SADNESS! I'm sorry but if you don't know THOSE basics, there is no hope for you and good luck being successful in life!
I'm going to concentrate on SOCIAL etiquette. I think Facebook and Myspace and Twitter have kind of ruined our social life if you really think about it...but that's a different topic for a different day. I'm just saying that our SOCIAL life etiquette REALLY needs some work these days.
I guess I'll start ranting with the one thing that made want to write this entry in the first place: invitation etiquette. Not to give you a boo-hoo story of my life, but ever since I was about 16, every event that I've had, be it birthday, graduation party, baby shower or what have you, I invite a LOT of people. I always do. What can I say? There are a lot of special people in my life. But through the years, I guess I have learned that either I have HORRIBLE timing, or I am not as special to those people as they are to me. Both of which are unfortunate. But that's okay because it's a good way to tell who your friends are. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW that stuff gets in the way. Former commitments, work, etc. See those things HAPPEN. And I hold no judgement against those people who can't come because of that. But the thing that makes me the most annoyed and angry are the people who don't bother to respond.....at all. And that tells me a couple things: either A. You don't WANT to come and are too afraid to tell me B. You don't know what RSVP means or C. You don't care. And each and every time I have a party, I keep track of those people and I don't bother inviting them again. You see, I don't care if you can't come or not. Well, I mean I do...but if you can't come, you can't come. I want to know IF you are coming, because I need to know how many people I'm having for a variety of reasons: how much seating do I need. How much FOOD do I need? How big should my venue be? Ya know, some places make you put a deposit down and depending on how many people you have coming, that fluctuates. So it's nice to KNOW ahead of time how many people you have coming. And if you don't bother to RSVP at all, that makes things different. By the way, RSVP means "Please Reply." It does not mean "Only reply if coming" or "Only reply if not coming". It simply means REPLY!
So, here is the proper etiquette of Invitation and RSVP according to EmilyPost.com, an etiquette website:
1. RSVP. (see, it's the VERY FIRST RULE!) From the French, it means “Répondez, s’il vous plaît,” or, “Please reply.” This little code has been around for a long time and it’s definitely telling you that your hosts want to know if you are attending. Reply promptly, within a day or two of receiving an invitation. (OR, as soon as possible, but before the deadline)
2. How Do I Respond? Basically it comes down to this. READ THE DARN INSTRUCTIONS!
a. If there is a phone number on the invitation and it says "RSVP to Sally at 555-6786 by June 5" well obviously that means you need to CALL Sally by (meaning before or on) June 5 to let her know if you are coming or not. And sometimes, especially in this day and age, a TEXT will do.
b. If there is a response card included (this is usually the case with weddings) then you fill it out, and you send it back to the host of the party
c. EMAIL with a nice "I'm sorry I cannot make it; I have prior commitments. I hope you have a wonderful time and thank you so much for thinking of me." and if you want to send a gift "Is there an address I can send a gift to?" or "Thank you so much for inviting me! I will definitely be attending! Is there any information I need to know about?" Yada Yada, or something along those lines.
3. Is that your final answer?
According to etiquette, this is correct:
- Changing a ‘yes’ to a ‘no’ is only acceptable on account of: illness or injury, a death in the family or an unavoidable professional or business conflict. Call your hosts immediately.
- Canceling because you have a “better” offer is a sure fire way to get dropped from ALL the guest lists.
- Being a “no show” is unacceptable.
- Changing a ‘no’ to a ‘yes’ is OK only if it will not upset the hosts’ arrangements.
4. Do not ask if you can bring anyone else. If the invitation was sent to YOU and it was only ADDRESSED TO YOU, then the only person invited is YOU. If the invitation is addressed to YOU and your Spouse/Partner/Husband/Etc, obviously, they are invited as well. Basically, whoever the invitation is addressed to, that is who is invited. Note: the only thing RUDER than yacking away on your cell phone at the table, is bringing an uninvited guest. WORST thing you can possibly do.
5. Always say THANK YOU. Say it when you are RSVP'ing. Say it when you are leaving the event. And call or send a thank you note 2-3 days later. Let them know you had a great time, and you can be sure you will most likely be on their next guest list.
Now, the following rules are about how to behave when you're AT the said event:
1. Arrive on time. NEVER show up early, and if you're going to be more than 15 mins late, just let your host know. I will personally always understand because again, life happens. But it's good to just let me know! In this case, texting doesn't count because I may not see the text until way too late.
2. Turn off your cell phone. or at least put it on vibrate.
3. Be a willing participant.
Be SOCIAL. At least TRY to strike up some conversation. And participate in any games they have. They have them for a reason: to entertain YOU. So the least you can do, even if you think they are dumb, is participate. It's for FUN!
I'll tell you the truth: if you're the one refusing to participate in anything, you're the Debbie Downer who brings the mood of the party DOWN about 10 notches. And you don't wanna be that at a party. As much as you think it doesn't affect it, it REALLY REALLY does.1. Arrive on time. NEVER show up early, and if you're going to be more than 15 mins late, just let your host know. I will personally always understand because again, life happens. But it's good to just let me know! In this case, texting doesn't count because I may not see the text until way too late.
2. Turn off your cell phone. or at least put it on vibrate.
3. Be a willing participant.
Be SOCIAL. At least TRY to strike up some conversation. And participate in any games they have. They have them for a reason: to entertain YOU. So the least you can do, even if you think they are dumb, is participate. It's for FUN!
4. Practice moderation.
I'll make this one short. If there is alcohol, don't get wasted. If there is a ton of food, don't eat it all. Simple as that.
5. Offer to help with whatever you can.
There are lots of things to get done at a party, and 90% of the time, help is always appreciated. However, if the person you ask says no, don't insist. Just enjoy yourself, know that you DID offer and be done with it.
6. If there is assigned seating (such as a wedding) Don't switch your place cards.
Your host spent a lot of time and effort deciding where you would sit, so don't screw it up!
7. Be considerate. I would hope these would be common sense, but I think Mr. Common Sense left our society a LONG time ago....
Wipe your feet before entering. Don't put your feet on furniture. Use a coaster for drinks. Leave the bathroom neat for the next person. If you're a smoker and there are no ashtrays, go outside to smoke. If you have a cold or other spreadable illness, call with your regrets and stay home.
8. Compliment your host.
Don't go overboard, but compliment your host for her hard work. Compliment the food, the decor, the venue. Make her feel like she did a great job and that she is appreciated. But again, don't gush.
9. Respect your hosts trust.
ie: Don't go snooping around in her house. And if you break something, let her know immediately and offer to pay for repair.
10. Leave with the pack.
Don't overstay your welcome unless you were invited to stay longer. And if you need to leave early, just let your host know so she is not insulted with an early departure.
11. Thank your host.
Now, let's touch on DATING, shall we?
Use your manners! That goes for men and women. Be CONSIDERATE of your date. These rules are gender-neutral, but if you're old-fashioned like me, the italicized rules should be reserved for the men. But that's just me.
Holding the door: Whoever gets to the door first holds it for others. (Or, if you think like me, man hold door for woman)
Getting off an elevator: The person closest to the door exits first. (Or, if you think like me, woman go first.)
Helping to put on a coat: Anyone having trouble putting on a coat or sweater should receive some help, regardless of gender.
Paying for a meal: Whoever does the inviting does the paying.
Standing: Getting up to greet someone is always polite—and this is especially important when the person is elderly or is a business superior or client. It’s also the thing to do when you are being introduced to someone.
Walking on the outside: The custom of a man walking between his female companion and the street was the custom in the days when carriages splashed mud and ladies’ finery needed shielding. These days, it doesn’t matter who is walking on the street side of the sidewalk. (completely disagree with that, but again, I'm old fashioned)
Shaking hands: Used to be that a man was supposed to wait for a woman to offer her hand before he extended his. Today, regardless of gender, people should shake hands upon meeting, and it doesn’t matter who puts their hand out first.
Helping to carry something: A neighbor or coworker—anyone—who is overloaded with books or packages will appreciate an offer of help from whoever is nearby.
I think that about does it for the evening. Thank you for reading. And just remember that even in our modern society, ETIQUETTE still matters. If you don't have good etiquette, don't be surprised if you don't go too far in life!
